He-Man Orders Roast Beef, Justice

27 07 2007

As of this morning, the Chicken T.B.M sandwich has lost its title as the most awe-inspiring object inside a Cosi sandwich shop. He-Man’s appearance at the Park Avenue café led to a dramatic scene that even caused the kitchen rats to reexamine their own existence. Shortly after 11, Cosi assistant manager and Baruch College junior, Roger Denton, confronted He-Man as he attempted to receive carrot sticks instead of chips with his Wasabi Roast Beef sandwich. Citing a “no shirt, no shoes, no service” policy, Denton aggressively demanded that He-Man should leave. However, after taking one glance into his piercing stare, the assistant manager fell to his knees and admitted to speeding away from a hit and run three years prior. While kissing He-Man’s feet, Denton revealed that he was responsible for the death of a mother of two, as well as her three-month-old puggle named “Fandango.”
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Marge Raucher and her puggle Fandango

With out speaking a word, He-Man contacted the NYPD and our city’s heroes were on the scene with in minutes. Weeping, Denton was dragged from the overpriced sandwich shop, averting He-Man’s gaze whenever possible. Moments later, He-Man returned to the cashier and after delving deep into her eyes, he discovered that she was pure of heart. She smiled shyly and offered him his roast beef and carrots on the house. He-Man winked, causing the foundation of every building in lower-town to rumble.

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A nervous patron calls home, while a curious spectator peaks through the glass

After consuming his meal with a mere thought, Gotham’s real bat-man continued on his way.

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He-Man returns to his daily routine

[UPDATE: An early afternoon phone call to the office of “Find He-Man” revealed that the cashier’s bank account suddenly contains $7,500 more than yesterdays balance. HSBC informed the team at FindHM that this money appeared at precisely 11:24am, the exact moment He-Man completed that monumental wink.]





SPECIAL REPORT: He-Man Gives Back to the Community

27 07 2007

Today, George Washington was not the only historical warrior in Union Square Park. That’s right, He-Man gave him a run for his money.

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George Washington. An American Hero, yet shameful next to He-Man.

He-Man was spotted today in very rare form: fully clothed. It seems that he was in an easygoing mood. He was seen today at Union Square Park actually speaking one on one with members of the community about drug and HIV awareness. As seen here, he mediated a small circle in which regular civilians shared their stories with He-Man.

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He-Man hitting the streets.

He sat and listened intently, not once breaking his concentration to bellow a loud He-Howl at attractive ladies passing by.

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Clearly tempted to bellow at this woman, he remains focused.

Word is that this is one of many recent PR stunts He-Man has been doing to better his reputation with the city. After swallowing one of Mayor Bloomberg’s children and spitting them up, he has been on restless terms with the city government (In He-Man’s defense, he did not know the girl was the daughter of Mr. Bloomberg, which is why he regurgitated her almost immediately upon finding this out). FindHeMan.com has come to believe that his newly hired Public Relations agent, Brady Abner, is urging him to have meetings like this with the public, so that they may fear He-Man no longer.

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He-Man’s PR Agent, Brady Abner (3rd in From Left) during his vacation to the Virgin Islands.

When will you get it? He-Man is not a public speaker. He has no opinions on teen pregnancy and the death penalty. These are all small fish to He-Man, who frowns at our tiny problems, but wishes not to belittle them. He-Man is here to protect us, and he knows that he needs to stay, even if that means listening to horror stories from old WW2 vets. Persevere, He-Man. It is for our own good.





He-Man: Friend or Foe?

19 07 2007

by Reporter Axford

Draped in mythology, cloaked in lore, and with the gait of a well-hung Wildebeest, the eponymous He-Man has enjoyed a dangerous amount of freedom and trust on our behalf. It’s time we asked ourselves a difficult question: shall we approach this behemoth with an olive branch or a rain of tranquilizer darts?

His presence carries such terrifying portent, I don’t doubt it affects planetary orbits and menstrual cycles. His wrinkles and pockmarks are a record of cosmic catastrophes. His navel chasm is a maelstrom of rainwater and children’s tears. Can a specimen, so physically equipped for merciless wrath, be capable of compassion and benevolence of an equally frightening magnitude?

Look, I’m a normal person. I’ve got a day job and a wristwatch and a subscription to a special interest magazine I’m just not that interested in anymore. You can call me a conspiracy theorist now or you can call me to apologize when He-Man builds a fortress out of the bodies of Madison Square Park leisure-seekers and makes a bonfire of all your armistices.

Do we draw the line at genus: demi, species: god? Or is there more inquiry to be had at his expense? From day one the masses (yes, You) accepted the drivel and spittle of a spinsters tongue as scripture. Fine. If you’re not going to ask questions, I will. Are his eyes ablaze with bloodlust or an insatiable empathy? Are our bodies little more than a fiefdom he has bestowed upon our unworthy persons? Will he breed in captivity? Perhaps he is in exile from a parallel universe. Perhaps he is a defector from an extraterrestrial dystopia ruled by brute intellect. Perhaps, like the jungle, he is an abundance of antidotes and vaccines trapped inside a hostile and uncharted exterior. These are the kinds of questions we should be asking ourselves before our knees become callused with premature genuflection.





He-Man in Sour Mood Today, He-Man Sighters Say

18 07 2007

Today was a dark day for He-Man. So dark, his mood forced the sun to cower behind the clouds and continuously ask if He-Man was still mad. While he remained peaceful and non-threatening to the humans whom he was sent here to protect, he did have quite a bone to pick with this trash can pictured.
He-Man angered by trash can
As you can see, he is giving the trash can the “Evil He-Stare”, a powerful gaze possessed by no one but the He-Men. This gaze gives He-Man the power to actually inflict pain in inanimate objects with nothing more then a stare. The garbage can was shaking in discomfort, and finally exploded into fire. He-Man threw his body on top of the explosion before it could harm anybody, causing no damage to his mighty abdomen but infact, causing even more damage to the exploding trash can itself.
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Why was He-Man full of so much aggression? This reporter does not know for sure, but he assumes it has something to do with the anti-He-Man propaganda currently being spread throughout the city. Those who do not understand He-Man fear him. They hide their children and girlfriends, fearing he will destroy them with his ferocious mallet-like arms. Politicians like Mayor Mike Bloomberg have gone on record against this peaceful non-human, saying we cannot give him too much power or he will use it to tear us to shreds.
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A common human error: fearing what cannot be comprehended. I’ve got news for you, Bloomberg, if He-Man wanted to destroy us all, he’d of done it far before today. He-Man should be President of the United States, nay, the world. He-Man should be World President.





Sighting Reveals a Potential Source for He-Man’s Seemingly Endless Energy Supply

13 07 2007

Another He-Man Investigative Report
He-man was seen yet again, roaming the streets of the Lower East Side, late last Tuesday evening. He was not visible at first, but there were reports of sonic booms heard, followed by waves rippling the macadam on Broadway – sure signs that He-man was but a few miles away. He appeared in the park seconds later, and after slowing himself to a moderate street-patroling speed, the waves came to a peak at the intersection to the west of Madison Square Park, forming a large wall of rock which knocked over fruit stand and an apartment building.
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Apartment building, seconds before it was destroyed by He-Man.

He-man quickly rebuilt the structure and distributed the fruit generously, before anyone had seen what had happened. Sources say, however, that there are still several people missing after the incident, among which are the proprietor of the fruit stand and the alleged, corrupt City Councilman Brant Scwartz, who was under investigation for child molestation, embezzlement and worshipping false idols. Few have speculated that this minor occurance was yet another righteous act of justice, carried out by our secretive and overwhelmingly masculine protector. Many, however, refrain from making any statement, fearing He-Man’s unpredictable and vengeful wrath.

Soon after securing the area inside and around the park, and seducing a gaggle of nuns at the Shake Shack, He-man headed south on 23rd st. Findheman.com reporters followed the bare-chested hero four blocks before he was seen entering this delicatessen.

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This is the delicatessen.

Most patrons fled after the floor began breaking benath them as He-man walked through the threshold. Reports say three of the fleeting patrons were blinded by the reflective surface of his pectorals, but one unfortunate customer, Darryl Brown, 47, experienced spontaneous heart combustion as a result of the the dramatic increase of iron and plutonium levels in the air, due to He-Man’s unexpected presence.

He-Man approached the counter and began placing his order. Surprisingly, the owner and counter staff remained calm and collected as they collaborated to fill his request, leading this blogger to deduce that He-man is a regular customer of this deli. Before leaving, he swallowed what appeared to be a side of raw venison and a gallon of whole milk. As he exited the store, he was seen with a drink cup containing a 1/2 lb. of unground Columbian coffee beans, 1/8 oz. of Peruvian cocaine, and a shot of pure panther adrenaline.

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Extremely Rare Photograph

Sources say He-Man is able to consume the unground beans and raw meat by evisserating them, with the venom under his tongue and the rows of razor-sharp teeth that line this esophogus. Is this a mere snack for He-Man or could this be the secret source to his incalculable energy, used to haul his massive, muscle-torn body around the avenues of lower Manhattan? One may never know…One thing reporter knows, however, is that He-Man’s neck never swelled so majestically, and the vein on the side of his head never bulged with so much pumping-beauty. Until next time, He-Man….