Sighting Reveals a Potential Source for He-Man’s Seemingly Endless Energy Supply

13 07 2007

Another He-Man Investigative Report
He-man was seen yet again, roaming the streets of the Lower East Side, late last Tuesday evening. He was not visible at first, but there were reports of sonic booms heard, followed by waves rippling the macadam on Broadway – sure signs that He-man was but a few miles away. He appeared in the park seconds later, and after slowing himself to a moderate street-patroling speed, the waves came to a peak at the intersection to the west of Madison Square Park, forming a large wall of rock which knocked over fruit stand and an apartment building.
Apartment building
Apartment building, seconds before it was destroyed by He-Man.

He-man quickly rebuilt the structure and distributed the fruit generously, before anyone had seen what had happened. Sources say, however, that there are still several people missing after the incident, among which are the proprietor of the fruit stand and the alleged, corrupt City Councilman Brant Scwartz, who was under investigation for child molestation, embezzlement and worshipping false idols. Few have speculated that this minor occurance was yet another righteous act of justice, carried out by our secretive and overwhelmingly masculine protector. Many, however, refrain from making any statement, fearing He-Man’s unpredictable and vengeful wrath.

Soon after securing the area inside and around the park, and seducing a gaggle of nuns at the Shake Shack, He-man headed south on 23rd st. Findheman.com reporters followed the bare-chested hero four blocks before he was seen entering this delicatessen.

deli-ext.jpg

This is the delicatessen.

Most patrons fled after the floor began breaking benath them as He-man walked through the threshold. Reports say three of the fleeting patrons were blinded by the reflective surface of his pectorals, but one unfortunate customer, Darryl Brown, 47, experienced spontaneous heart combustion as a result of the the dramatic increase of iron and plutonium levels in the air, due to He-Man’s unexpected presence.

He-Man approached the counter and began placing his order. Surprisingly, the owner and counter staff remained calm and collected as they collaborated to fill his request, leading this blogger to deduce that He-man is a regular customer of this deli. Before leaving, he swallowed what appeared to be a side of raw venison and a gallon of whole milk. As he exited the store, he was seen with a drink cup containing a 1/2 lb. of unground Columbian coffee beans, 1/8 oz. of Peruvian cocaine, and a shot of pure panther adrenaline.

Deliheman

Extremely Rare Photograph

Sources say He-Man is able to consume the unground beans and raw meat by evisserating them, with the venom under his tongue and the rows of razor-sharp teeth that line this esophogus. Is this a mere snack for He-Man or could this be the secret source to his incalculable energy, used to haul his massive, muscle-torn body around the avenues of lower Manhattan? One may never know…One thing reporter knows, however, is that He-Man’s neck never swelled so majestically, and the vein on the side of his head never bulged with so much pumping-beauty. Until next time, He-Man….

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14 responses

20 07 2007
Margarita Dragon

i wanna see him!!! hahaha nyc baby!!! nowhere else like it!!!

20 07 2007
jeff

you so stupid bitch, i hate you! you don’t know nyc. heman reppin in this. this shit gon blow up.

20 07 2007
Barb Sanberg

Blogs are not beyond grammar, Jeff.

20 07 2007
Margarita Dragon

whooaaa jeff chilax hahahah only in nyc

20 07 2007
jeff

i fucking hate you, die bitch fuck. margaritalickmyballs. jeff 4 eva!

20 07 2007
Barb Sanberg

I am surprised that the bloggers of this site did not start one about you, Jeff. You seem just as crazy as Jonathan (formerly known as He-man) seems!! Perhaps you should consider anger management therapy. I’m not trying to condescend, but it seems like you are in need of help.

20 07 2007
Barb Sanberg

By the way, Jeff. “Margaritalickmyballs” is a bit… well, cliche.

20 07 2007
Barb Sanberg

Sorry to post so many times, but I really just feel terrible for Jonathan. What if this is all he can afford to wear? Perhaps, to redeem themselves in the eyes of God (or even moral atheists), the bloggers could set up a donation fund. We could all send in a dollar to help him get through whatever troubles in which he finds himself. Anyone else in?

21 07 2007
jeff

how bout you send a dollar to jeff to lick his balls. jeff. that’s me, barb sanberg. oooooowww. westchester! what??

25 07 2007
Helwig

lol only in nyc

1 08 2007
Steve

I have seen “He-man” 3 times. The first time was Saturday morning June 9 (about 8 AM), on 14th St. between 4th Ave & Broadway. He had on a shirt (sleeveless, of course) but was looking very stoned and was walking in that druggie shuffle. The next time was about 3 weeks ago, late on a weekday morning in Mad. Sq. This time he was shirtless. He walked up a path, and then returned back down about 5 minutes later looking as if he had a dip in the fountain. The most recent sighting was last week mid-afternoon, also in Mad. sq. and also shirtless (it might have been the same day as one of your posts). Dang I wish I knew this guy’s story!!

1 08 2007
FindHeMan

Take pictures next time and submit your sighting formally. You must keep the word alive.

1 08 2007
caroline

that building isn’t on the LES, it’s the SVA dorm on 23rd and lex – prime he-man territory.

30 04 2009
evan

hahahha thats my building! fuck, i see this guy like three times a week.

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