He-Man: Friend or Foe?

19 07 2007

by Reporter Axford

Draped in mythology, cloaked in lore, and with the gait of a well-hung Wildebeest, the eponymous He-Man has enjoyed a dangerous amount of freedom and trust on our behalf. It’s time we asked ourselves a difficult question: shall we approach this behemoth with an olive branch or a rain of tranquilizer darts?

His presence carries such terrifying portent, I don’t doubt it affects planetary orbits and menstrual cycles. His wrinkles and pockmarks are a record of cosmic catastrophes. His navel chasm is a maelstrom of rainwater and children’s tears. Can a specimen, so physically equipped for merciless wrath, be capable of compassion and benevolence of an equally frightening magnitude?

Look, I’m a normal person. I’ve got a day job and a wristwatch and a subscription to a special interest magazine I’m just not that interested in anymore. You can call me a conspiracy theorist now or you can call me to apologize when He-Man builds a fortress out of the bodies of Madison Square Park leisure-seekers and makes a bonfire of all your armistices.

Do we draw the line at genus: demi, species: god? Or is there more inquiry to be had at his expense? From day one the masses (yes, You) accepted the drivel and spittle of a spinsters tongue as scripture. Fine. If you’re not going to ask questions, I will. Are his eyes ablaze with bloodlust or an insatiable empathy? Are our bodies little more than a fiefdom he has bestowed upon our unworthy persons? Will he breed in captivity? Perhaps he is in exile from a parallel universe. Perhaps he is a defector from an extraterrestrial dystopia ruled by brute intellect. Perhaps, like the jungle, he is an abundance of antidotes and vaccines trapped inside a hostile and uncharted exterior. These are the kinds of questions we should be asking ourselves before our knees become callused with premature genuflection.

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4 responses

20 07 2007
Tipper Gore

fuck i seen that dude. mothafucka’s got canines that could chew the couplets off the canterbury tales.

20 07 2007
Barb Sanberg

It’s horrible that you all are capitalizing on his misfortunate taste in clothing, and perhaps if you just lent a hand, he could become a normal member of society. It’s people like you that perpetuate his behavior. Fueling the fire does not put it out. What if this poor man sees this site? Have you considered how it would make him feel? What if he kills himself because of your words? You are responsible for a tragedy if you find yourselves without the generous fodder he offers. Tsk.

20 07 2007
gabe mccleary

its a good point this kid in my class had terets (sp?) and every time he started acting up the teachers would tell us not to laugh because it encouraged him and i think theres something to be said for that yknow

16 08 2007
Mistress BeeBalm

people I beg you, live and let live

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