Sightings of the Week 8/22 – 8/29

29 08 2007

Those who were too slow to catch a snapshot.

AUGUST 22 – DANIEL spotted He-Man marching near Macy’s. Apparently He is trying to push his new cologne, “Head Splitting Rapture That Will Destroy All Who Inhale it For Men”.

AUGUST 23 – LORI saw He-Man on 20th and 3rd at 2:30 walking with two women. Word is He was heading to a college frat party and needed at least two girls to get in. On entering the party, He threw two kegs out the window, landing on a group of crack dealers outside. He then turned to the college kids and said “Keep drinking your beer. Then you become crack dealers and kegs will get thrown on you and kill you. Think about it.” The fraternity is now a Christian house of worship.

AUGUST 23 – JENNIFER spotted He-Man at Astor Place walking by The Gap. The owner of The Gap saw Him as well, getting inspired. Now all the Gap sells are camo pants and black chokers.

AUGUST 24 – TREY viewed Him entering Union Square at 14th st. The statue of Abraham Lincoln, it was reported, had beads of sweat rolling down his forehead.

AUGUST 25 – MIRANDA saw He-Man on 34th and 6th today. Mistaking him for the Empire State building, tourists began climbing him and taking pictures from the top of his head.

AUGUST 27 – JEFF spotted He-Man carrying what appeared to be groceries on 26th and 3rd. What was really in those bags? Souls.

AUGUST 28 – JEN saw Him on 5th st and 6th ave at 11:34 PM. Apparently his muscles continue to glisten at night, creating the illusion of daylight to confused, intoxicated New Yorkers.

If YOU have any sightings or stories, send them to FindHeMan@Gmail.com. Don’t forget to keep your cameras with you at all times, as He can strike at any moment!

Advertisements




BREAKING NEWS: Vatican Releases Statement on “Hemanism”

26 08 2007

This statement was released by the Vatican at 12:55 pm on Thursday August 25, 2007.

I have come to learn it contains the concerns of the Church regarding the recent migration of Catholics to Hemanism, or the following of He-Man.

“It has come to the attention of the Roman Catholic Church and the Vatican Council that people in the city of New York have begun to question their faith. The attendance of church services, especially those in the borough of Manhattan, has dropped 32% from last year. Even charitable donations to churches and church run organizations, have fallen substantially. We urge people to return to their faith, to find healing in the love of the lord.

We also urge people to see through false prophets, to focus on the one true God. Do not forsake the first commandment, “I am the Lord your God, who brought you out of the land of Egypt, out of the house of slavery; you shall have no other gods before me.”

In past years, such an urging would not be necessary, but these are very different times. With the dawn of the new millennium came the stirring of old myths. People began to once again fall back on the Hihmaan version of the Bible. The Hihmaan version of the Holy Book contains a story that was condemned long ago as factually incorrect. We stand by this decision.

Lord be with you.”

This controversial statement, we believe, is only the beginning of the church’s He-Man paranoia. As His followers multiply day by day, it is only a matter of time before the world recognizes He-Man as an essential part in our existence.

For more information on the book of Hihmaan, read “Special Report: Ancient Texts Reveal He-Man’s Existence in the Bible”.





He-Man, Enraged Sues Movie Studio for Likeness Rights Infringement.

24 08 2007

In the latest issue of the Daily Variety, it was announced that a film, based on the 1980’s animated series “He Man,” will go into production this fall. It appears that the makers of this film have done their lower Manhattan research, concentrating their efforts on a certain bare-chested hero. But, they did so not without facing his inevitable wrath.

fiction1.jpg

Depiction of the fictional He-Man.

In a recent court case He-man took his revenge on the creators of the film for the illegal, derivative use of his likeness, leaving in his wake an ocean of blood and flesh, and a trail of money and of tears.

He-Man successfully sued the major movie studio for likeness rights from both the series and the movie, stating “I assure you, that’s me. They changed the hair color to try and cover it up, but the stature and the face are clearly my own. Not to mention they directly copied my war belt. It’s in my closet if you want to see.”

He-Man refused representation by the state, which is offered by the court to victims of media-related crimes such as this, and proceeded to prosecute the studio by himself. While He-Man has no formal degree or document proving his credentials, he floated across the courtroom with soft-shoe finesse, using his monumental rhetoric and astonishing (and quite deadly) physique, much like a modern day, shirtless Gene Kelly, if he were also a lawyer.

Though he inadvertently killed three of the twelve jurors by raising his voice to a super-sonic level on one occasion during the trial, the half-naked deity left victorious, exiting the courthouse with the complete film stock of the He-Man movie in one hand and a large cardboard check in the other.

“It was only a matter of time until this issue was addressed. Just be thankful that a lawsuit was the only thing that came of this,” said Howard Webster III, He-Man’s financial adviser and personal accountant. “If He hadn’t restrained himself I could have been giving this interview in the infinite blazing inferno of the eternal void, promised by the imminent destruction of life as we know it, by the only known force powerful enough to do so. Thank your lucky stars that you can still walk with both legs, and that your daughter can someday go to private college.”

yes.jpg

He-Man and financial adviser, Howard Webster III, shortly after the victory.

Matthew Modine, a representative of the studio, defended the use of He-Man’s likeness if the film claiming that the use of the images were “purely transformative. Any likeness used was employed to create a fictional character and communicate a message. Does that message relate to He-Man directly? No.” Mr. Modine gave FHM reporters this statement, shortly after the court was adjourned upon the awarding of damages to He-Man. Immediately following the statement, Mr. Modine was violently snatched from the court house steps by what appeared to be a griffin wearing a helmet of fire. The flying behemoth held two live children in its jaws as it ripped Modine from the ground with its stainless steel talons. Investigations have begun on the basis of suspicions that the demon bird was a conspirator, in cahoots with He-Man himself. We will keep you updated as details comes through our office.





Sightings of the Week 8/15 – 8/21

21 08 2007

A week of sightings sans photos.

AUGUST 15- EMILIE saw He-Man at 4:30pm on 40th st between 8th and 9th outside a parole office. Later that day, the men he was speaking with gave up crime to work for a youth ministry.

AUGUST 15- GUMBLEY spotted He-Man in Duane Reade on 23rd and Lexington. After accommodating the essentials such as Tag body spray and dental floss, He-Man paid with cash and auctoritas.

AUGUST 15- LIN caught a glimpse of our hero on 9th ave, between 43rd and 44th. The flooded basement of the Edgewater apartment complex was instantly dried.

AUGUST 15- VICKI saw He-Man on 23rd between Park and Lex following a brief incident where everyone’s digital watches returned to 12:00.

AUGUST 16- JIM found He-Man in front of his home on 32nd and 3rd. The landlady resigned from her position.

AUGUST 19- JEN spotted He-Man on W5th St, north of 6th Ave and was suddenly unable to use her camera. She fumbled and fumbled but when she looked up from the LCD screen, the beast was gone.





He-Man Seen Filming ABC Family Pilot

21 08 2007

One of our readers stumbled across an article in the most recent Hollywood Reporter and sent it along. It seems like we aren’t the only publication reporting He-Man sightings anymore. However, we at FindHM are worried that this might not be the best career move for the big guy. Decide for yourself:

He-Man Seen Filming ABC Family Pilot

GOTHAM- Earlier today in Central Park, vigilant observers reported seeing He-Man recording an ABC Family pilot. The pilot titled “The Big World For Little Barry” has He-Man playing Little Barry’s wacky mute uncle. In the scene shot today, He-Man was taking Barry out to Central Park to buy a Popsicle.

abcfamily.jpg

Its spectacular.” Harlan Brown, head of PR had to say, “One of the advantages of using He-Man is that we don’t have to invest in CGI. The pilot script had Uncle Slapdash making Barry float across the pond with his mind. Originally we were going to get our CGI team on it, but their budget is understandably low. When we heard about He-Man, we knew he was a perfect fit for this show.”

When asked about He-Man’s acting talents, Brown smiled.

Everyone assumes you get the big guy in here and he’s not going to have acting ability. Well, He-Man studied at the Playhouse Theater under Sanford Meisner. He brings more conviction to the table than any Hollywood actor ever could.”

sanford.jpg

Meisner nervously giving He-Man notes

Could his penetration into a brand new form of media herald a golden age of He-Man sightings, or more horrors yet to come? Media Watchdog group “Eyes Out” states that this isn’t the first time that He-Man has attempted to take to the waves. He-Man self produced a public access cooking show in the mid nineteen eighties, and was the conductor on “Thomas the Tank Engine” from 1994 to 1997. He-Man, fortunately, is entirely too much of a behemoth of a man to truly be captured on tape. On both of those television projects, viewers reported television reception problems, as when he looks directly at a camera the extremely light sensitive lens start to putter out, leading his image to regularly be blurry.

If this pilot is a failure, is this it for He-Man’s television acting career? Harlan Brown had this to say: “We haven’t even finished shooting the pilot, and the whole office is abuzz with the word ‘spinoff’.”





SPECIAL REPORT: Ancient Texts Reveal He-Man’s Existence in the Bible

20 08 2007

himantexts.jpg

Here at FindHeMan.com, even those of us that are God-fearing individuals had no idea what the Hihmaan text was, but when word filtered into the office from our “on the street sources” that He-Man’s presence here (and existence in general) could further be explain by this religious book, well I had to get my hands on it.

Unfortunately, my first attempt at finding it led me to the realization that Barnes & Noble does not dabble in the rare ancient religious texts as one might have initially thought. As harsh a realization as it was, I moved on, deciding to take advantage of the academia that concentrates around Washington Square Park.

After venturing over to NYU’s School of Theology in search of the text, I ran into Professor McKinley, head of the school’s ancient literature program. A jolly man, Prof. McKinley personally took me into the disheveled basement of the school’s library.

“It was over 1600 years ago that this text was banned by the church,” Prof. McKinley said while reaching for the book, “back during the Council of Nicaea.” This was the same council, overseen by Constantine, which defined Jesus as a God, forged from the same substance of his father. Christianity was being consolidated in this council, and as McKinley put it, “certain things had to be left out.”

“The problem with this version of the Bible was that it spoke of a series of prophets,” McKinley muttered, “prophets which would bring new light to God’s Kingdom, and the Council saw this as a threat to the power and influence of Jesus.” A threat that would cause them to banish the book entirely, forbidding anyone who called themselves Christian to worship from it. The Catholic Church ratified this banning of the book during Vatican I.

“There was one prophet in particular,” McKinley continued, “one who was said to emerge ‘inside the center of civilization at the dawn of new age,’ a prophet that would give people hope and carry them forward in their faith.” Is it just me, or does this prophet sound a little bit like it could possibly be He-Man? (Or do I just love He-Man too much?) I mean, New York City seems like the center of civilization if you ask me, and hell, if the millennium, what with its high-speed internet and I-Phones, isn’t the dawn of a new age, I don’t know what is.

McKinley added, “In times like these, it’s hard for people to identify with someone who lived so long ago. If there was a prophet alive today, well, it could be assumed that people would move to follow that man.”

As the word of He-Man presence spreads, and as people begin to recognize him for who he is (A gigantic mass of muscle and purity), a reverence has also begun to develop. A following, one could even speculate. It is hard not to see the connection between what prophets were to citizens of ancient lands and what He-Man is to New Yorkers today.

If you ask me, the Hihmaan version of the Bible should be the only version of the Bible. You still get everything with JC, but you get to have He-Man as well. I urge all New Yorkers, and those citizens of the world, to reexamine this lost text and to look at He-Man for who he can be to all of us.





He-Man Rests After Intense Demon Battle

17 08 2007

hemanunion.jpg

In a shocking and supernatural encounter, He-Man was photographed walking through Union Square after an epic battle with the Japanese Mythological Demon, Kagutsuchi.

japgod1.jpg

An artist’s rendering of Kagutsuchi

Kagutsuchi was focusing on the area upon earth’s surface with the most concentrated level of Strength Chi, which was where He-Man was. He-Man was entertaining British orphan children at the New York British Orphanage’s playground by juggling convicted terrorists, when Kagutsuchi zoomed down on his cloud-trapeze and directed his iron trident towards He-Man and screamed, “I seek your Chi! Prepare to defend yourself!” He-Man smiled complacently and rolled his eyes. “Kagutsuchi, there has not been an entity which has caused the slightest damage to my powerful form,” He-Man mumbled, drinking a Snapple he swiped from a nearby hotdog stand.

hotdogstand.jpg

This is the hotdog stand in which He-Man stole a Snapple.

“Being a supernatural creature, you are my first real challenge. If a battle you desire, so be it!” At this utterance, He-Man gathered his energy and began glowing bright gold. Immediately, He-Man and Kagutsuchi rose into the sky. Kagutsuchi raised his trident and shot towards He-Man. He-Man remained still and the trident caused many sparks upon He-Man’s metallic skin, but did not puncture it in the least. He-Man smiled and shot out powerful heat rays from his eyes. Kagutsuchi was sectioned into two and fell to the ground. The British Orphans gathered around the remains of the Demon and brought them to their chef, who was able to feed the Orphans for a whole week.

britishorphans.jpg

The Orphans, now fully fed.

When the director of the orphanage approached He-Man to offer his gratitude and compensation, He-Man held out his index finger and said, “Hush now. I need nothing. I have found satisfaction enough in keeping the Orphans’ bellies at bay.” He-Man then placed a gentle kiss upon the director’s forehead and strutted away through Union Square.

hemanunionclose.jpg

Enjoying a Victory Snapple.