SPECIAL REPORT: Ancient Texts Reveal He-Man’s Existence in the Bible

20 08 2007

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Here at FindHeMan.com, even those of us that are God-fearing individuals had no idea what the Hihmaan text was, but when word filtered into the office from our “on the street sources” that He-Man’s presence here (and existence in general) could further be explain by this religious book, well I had to get my hands on it.

Unfortunately, my first attempt at finding it led me to the realization that Barnes & Noble does not dabble in the rare ancient religious texts as one might have initially thought. As harsh a realization as it was, I moved on, deciding to take advantage of the academia that concentrates around Washington Square Park.

After venturing over to NYU’s School of Theology in search of the text, I ran into Professor McKinley, head of the school’s ancient literature program. A jolly man, Prof. McKinley personally took me into the disheveled basement of the school’s library.

“It was over 1600 years ago that this text was banned by the church,” Prof. McKinley said while reaching for the book, “back during the Council of Nicaea.” This was the same council, overseen by Constantine, which defined Jesus as a God, forged from the same substance of his father. Christianity was being consolidated in this council, and as McKinley put it, “certain things had to be left out.”

“The problem with this version of the Bible was that it spoke of a series of prophets,” McKinley muttered, “prophets which would bring new light to God’s Kingdom, and the Council saw this as a threat to the power and influence of Jesus.” A threat that would cause them to banish the book entirely, forbidding anyone who called themselves Christian to worship from it. The Catholic Church ratified this banning of the book during Vatican I.

“There was one prophet in particular,” McKinley continued, “one who was said to emerge ‘inside the center of civilization at the dawn of new age,’ a prophet that would give people hope and carry them forward in their faith.” Is it just me, or does this prophet sound a little bit like it could possibly be He-Man? (Or do I just love He-Man too much?) I mean, New York City seems like the center of civilization if you ask me, and hell, if the millennium, what with its high-speed internet and I-Phones, isn’t the dawn of a new age, I don’t know what is.

McKinley added, “In times like these, it’s hard for people to identify with someone who lived so long ago. If there was a prophet alive today, well, it could be assumed that people would move to follow that man.”

As the word of He-Man presence spreads, and as people begin to recognize him for who he is (A gigantic mass of muscle and purity), a reverence has also begun to develop. A following, one could even speculate. It is hard not to see the connection between what prophets were to citizens of ancient lands and what He-Man is to New Yorkers today.

If you ask me, the Hihmaan version of the Bible should be the only version of the Bible. You still get everything with JC, but you get to have He-Man as well. I urge all New Yorkers, and those citizens of the world, to reexamine this lost text and to look at He-Man for who he can be to all of us.

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2 responses

21 08 2007
johnvrake

There is no such thing as the Hihmaan text idiots

26 08 2007
BREAKING NEWS: Vatican Releases Statement on “Hemanism” « W E W I L L F I N D H I M !

[…] For more information on the book of Hihmaan, read “Special Report: Ancient Texts Reveal He-Man’s Existence in the Bible”. […]

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