Sightings of the Week 9/21-9/28

28 09 2007

Here are some sightings minus visual proof:

SEPTEMBER 21 – PATRICK saw He-Man wandering around Penn Station. Apparently He was playing his favorite sport, “Train Strain”, where He pushes against moving trains until they come to a complete stop.

SEPTEMBER 23 – NATALIE spotted He-Man walking past Home Depot on w23rd with an open shirt. Upon his passing, every in-store power tool and device marketed to be “strong and powerful” bowed silently.

SEPTEMBER 24 – MARC spotted He-Man in Union Square today, hovering around the set of Law and Order. Apparently all the footage was ruined, as the cameramen would uncontrollably drift to He-Man during every take.

SEPTEMBER 25 – HILLARY saw He-Man on 30th st and 7th avenue from a bus full of tourists. Upon seeing him, the tourists demanded that the bus only follow He-Man for the rest of the sightseeing tour.

SEPTEMBER 27 – BRITNEY caught He-Man on 41st st at Au Bon Pain. Upon hearing just how much money the sandwich and Snapple He ordered was, he replied, ashamed, “I guess I’ll just go with a cup of minestrone then.”

If YOU have a He-Man sighting, send it to!

He-Man’s Posture Baffles Scientists and Defies Physics

27 09 2007


Seen at Union Square last Tuesday

Celebrated as planet Earth’s very own one-man firewall, He-man’s exploits have been the subjects of many a conference. Recently, a group of Chiropractors met to discuss the phenomenon that is He-man’s posture.

“It’s incredible. His backbone redefines straight,” Dr. Loren Kenning exclaimed. “You’d need an oil rig just to get a decent spinal tap out of that. The guy must’ve practiced with books on his head. Books chiseled into stone tablets. And their inscriptions are filled with lead. And the humidity index makes everything feel like two times heavier.” Dr. Kenning then fainted like a Southern Belle, causing the other Chiropractors at the conference to roll their eyes and talk about how “he always does that”.

One possible explanation is that gravity ‘knows wassup so it leave him alone,’ hypothesized a man we met on the subway who showed us a folded up napkin that said ‘doctor degree’ on it.


Naturally, we couldn’t help but question this doctor’s legitamacy.

It is also probable that the effect of the Earth cowering with inadequacy beneath He-man’s every step creates a sensation of weightlessness, allowing He-man to saunter unfettered by petty cosmic forces.

“Something about that posture says, ‘I never worked a day in an office’” Carol Mayberry noted. Incorrect. He-man clocks about 20 hours as a Secretary of Offense at the Office of Roughhousing and Rampaging on 53rd st. Co-workers say he is hardworking and sociable. “The kind of guy who would say ‘aren’t you gonna recycle that? Just kidding.’ Then laugh, then recycle it.”

For He-man, every crosswalk is a runway and his unbeatable poise has caught the attention of the fashion world. Calvin Klein has launched a line of cargo boxer briefs. Both Lindsay Lohan and Justin Timberlake have been spotted toting prototypes of Fendi’s line of luxury handbags, designed to look like He-man’s ‘I just ripped off my t-shirt but instead of putting it in a drawer or donating it to Salvation Army, I will torture it by parading its impotence around town’ style.


Lohan and Timberlake, jumping on the He-Man Bandwagon.

He-man has resisted tempting offers such as appearing as a panelist on Top Model and acting as a Maypole for Herbert Hoover High’s semi-annual jamboree for breast cancer and dry erase markers.

EXCLUSIVE RARITY: He-Man Masks His Chest

17 09 2007

Recently, reader Jeremiah spotted an unexpectedly clad He-man in the middle of an early autumn Port Authority promenade. After a couple back alley interviews with anonymous sources and extensive overnight research, we have discovered that He-man is in the throes of a competition with a He-foe to see who can keep a shirt on longer.

Attempting to Exist in Imprisoning Garments

The He-foe, identified as Thad Nguyen, the intergalactic menace with a penchant for fast women and nuclear weaponry, was unavailable for comment.

The competition has tried He-Man’s strength and spirits. Owing to a crippling allergy to farmer’s tans, He has not worn a shirt since he was a He-Lad. Earwitnesses have reported ultrasonic bellows of pain as He-Man’s immune system attempts to fight the parasitic shirt. He-Man was also spotted writhing in pain outside Pinkberry, crying “must…wear…shirt…”

Speculations are circulating in scholarly circles that the effect of the trespassing tee will be cocoon-like. They believe that after defeating his opponent, He-man will burst forth from his 92% cotton, 6% rayon, and 2% spandex cocoon with 17 previously undiscovered bicep muscles and a pair of fleece-lined pterodactyl wings.

He-man’s concealment of his signature torso led many followers to question their faith in God, Physics, and NBC’s Thursday night line-up. Said Fran Davis, a 46 year old flea market vendor, “The Office is getting too wishy-washy, and I thought My Name is Earl was a solid premise, but after seeing He-Man wearing clothes like a normal person, well who the hell knows anymore?”


Loses it’s “edge” the more He-Man suits up

The post-victory unveiling of He-man’s torso is expected to be a star-studded affair.


He-man, grimacing with pain, calls schoolyard pal Odin for some moral support.

Check out Jeremiah’s blog, Vanishing New York

Sightings of the Week 9/8-9/15

15 09 2007

Those who were unable to preserve his glory with an image:

SEPTEMBER 9 – JEN saw He-Man on west 5th street and 6th avenue at 11:34 PM in a shouting match with a mailbox. Apparently the mailbox had been running his mouth all night long, and finally, as witnesses said, “the shit had hit the fan”.

SEPTEMBER 10 – VINNY spotted He-Man pacing back and forth in front of a bondage shop in the west village. Apparently He was debating whether or not to buy a new pair of leather pants. Admitting the price was rather high, He settled on a new pair of boots and a black rabbit hood.

SEPTEMBER 11 – HOWARD saw He-Man down at the World Trade Center, giving supportive high fives to those paying their respects.

SEPTEMBER 12 – LILLY caught He-Man on 9th st and Ave A, wearing a makeshift cape constructed from promotional Foo Fighters posters as well as Walmartopia advertisements.

SEPTEMBER 14 – SARAH saw He-Man slicking his hair back, using the fountain water at Madison Square Park. The once dull, dirty, water is now a sparkling lush blue, and is filled with rare tropical fish.

If YOU have any sightings, send them to Remember to always have your digital camera with you!

He-Man Rests His Body; Strengthens His Mind

6 09 2007

He-Man was spotted September 4th at Madison Square park in a surprisingly unheroic position; reading The New York Post.


Keeping up with the times

One had to question why He-Man would be wasting his time with such a boring activity, so unproductive towards global crises. Upon further investigation, it was revealed that He-Man had actually metaphysically traveled into the newspaper and was renegotiating current events. His first stop was the Bronx, where he prevented the rape of Lucinda John Peterson by making a quick detour to the comics section and unleashing Garfield, Snoopy, and Marmaduke upon the rapist who was quickly shredded into a fine pate.


The typically non-violent cartoon icons

He then made a leap from page 2 to page 3 where Presidential Candidate Rudy Giuliani was giving a press conference. He-Man tore off Mr. Giuliani’s left arm and beat his Public Relations agent Bob Matthews to a shiny pulp with it.

Before any security agent could be alerted, He-Man darted to the “Weird But True” section of the paper. This was the marriage of Dayton, Ohio native Robert Humphrey to “Juggles” the Horse. The two had been close since Juggles was a filly and had gradually grown to recognize the affection between them.


The happy couple pose for a photograph

He-Man enjoyed the heart warming ceremony and cried joyously when the couple embraced. He then tore off Robert’s arm and beat Juggles the Horse to a mangled pile.

After all the strain of these events, He-Man journeyed to a Snapple advertisement and enjoyed a crisp and refreshing “Go-Bananas” flavored Snapple. To conclude this strange journey, He-Man sipped Chateau Petrus with Steve Cuozzo, food critic for the New York Post, at a private castle. They discussed Russian literature and the national deficit as the Merlot eased their weary spirits. He-Man then ripped off his arm and beat all of Page Six to a juicy marinade.


2 09 2007

Animator Scott Bateman has made an animation based on He-Man. Take a look:

In our opinion, this embodies the He-Man experience more than any actual sighting.