He-Man’s Posture Baffles Scientists and Defies Physics

27 09 2007

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Seen at Union Square last Tuesday

Celebrated as planet Earth’s very own one-man firewall, He-man’s exploits have been the subjects of many a conference. Recently, a group of Chiropractors met to discuss the phenomenon that is He-man’s posture.

“It’s incredible. His backbone redefines straight,” Dr. Loren Kenning exclaimed. “You’d need an oil rig just to get a decent spinal tap out of that. The guy must’ve practiced with books on his head. Books chiseled into stone tablets. And their inscriptions are filled with lead. And the humidity index makes everything feel like two times heavier.” Dr. Kenning then fainted like a Southern Belle, causing the other Chiropractors at the conference to roll their eyes and talk about how “he always does that”.

One possible explanation is that gravity ‘knows wassup so it leave him alone,’ hypothesized a man we met on the subway who showed us a folded up napkin that said ‘doctor degree’ on it.

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Naturally, we couldn’t help but question this doctor’s legitamacy.

It is also probable that the effect of the Earth cowering with inadequacy beneath He-man’s every step creates a sensation of weightlessness, allowing He-man to saunter unfettered by petty cosmic forces.

“Something about that posture says, ‘I never worked a day in an office’” Carol Mayberry noted. Incorrect. He-man clocks about 20 hours as a Secretary of Offense at the Office of Roughhousing and Rampaging on 53rd st. Co-workers say he is hardworking and sociable. “The kind of guy who would say ‘aren’t you gonna recycle that? Just kidding.’ Then laugh, then recycle it.”

For He-man, every crosswalk is a runway and his unbeatable poise has caught the attention of the fashion world. Calvin Klein has launched a line of cargo boxer briefs. Both Lindsay Lohan and Justin Timberlake have been spotted toting prototypes of Fendi’s line of luxury handbags, designed to look like He-man’s ‘I just ripped off my t-shirt but instead of putting it in a drawer or donating it to Salvation Army, I will torture it by parading its impotence around town’ style.

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Lohan and Timberlake, jumping on the He-Man Bandwagon.

He-man has resisted tempting offers such as appearing as a panelist on Top Model and acting as a Maypole for Herbert Hoover High’s semi-annual jamboree for breast cancer and dry erase markers.

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2 responses

29 09 2007
Jarvis McWeiners

I found another copycat:

22 10 2007
Breakfast Links: He-Man, Fraudster & Fraud

[…] them. With post titles such as “He-Man Rests His Body; Strengthens His Mind” and “He-Man’s Posture Baffles Scientists and Defies Physics” can you afford not to be reading this site? (via […]

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