SPECIAL REPORT: He-Man Infiltrates Underground Lair

3 10 2007

He-Man was seen this weekend exploring the vast, intricate tunnels underneath New York City. Seemingly confused, He wandered around, unsure as to what dragon or wizard this lair was home to. “I DEMAND YOU: SHOW YOURSELF AT ONCE!” He-Man howled, startling rush hour passengers at the West 4th street stop off the F Train.

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He-Man, startling a unsuspecting commuter.

“TO WHOM ABIDES IN THESE BURROWS?” He-Man shouted at subway performer, Tom Shapp, furious that a being other than Himself lives in such a high quality labyrinth. Tom shrugged the question off, and continued to play an improvised song on his digital keyboard.

Finding no solid answers on the subway platform, He-Man darted into the dark canal for further insight. Coming upon a group of MTA construction workers, He-Man assumed they were soldiers who were trained to guard their master. He-Man wasted no time and liquefied the first wave immediately. Leaving one worker alive, He-Man threw him against the wall and pried him for information. “WHO DARES ASSEMBLE AN ARMY WITHIN THIS ELABORATE UNDERGROUND ENTANGLEMENT? CONFESS AT ONCE!” MTA employee Frank Hagen replied, “Go fuck yourself.” Enraged, He-Man skinned Hagen and turned him into a pair of leather pants (leather pants pictured)

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Pants made from MTA employee-skin.

He continued on and finally found what he was looking for: the F train. He stood in the middle of the tracks as the train made its way towards Him. He moved not an inch. “Ok, big boy,” He said quietly, still believing this ordinary mode of transportation to be an underground king challenging He-Man’s authority, “It’s on.”

Seeing He-Man, the train conductor began to sound the horn. He-Man took this as a battle cry and shouted the loudest He-Howl the subway system has ever heard. MTA employees on 125th street in Harlem claim to have heard this at full volume.

As the train continued to head towards Him, He-Man ran at full speed. Within seconds, He-Man and the downtown F-Train collided, causing the train to crush into a 5 foot long block of metal, sending all the passengers flying and miraculously landing at all of their destinations safely. Except the conductor, who died instantly.

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An overconfident train conductor seconds before his demise.

He-Man stood on the wreckage and shouted victorious. He now lives in the New York City Subway System, believing it to be his secret lair and not a commonly used way to get around. People just don’t have the heart to tell him.

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One response

5 10 2007
emilyaxford

hahaha okay big boy its on. love it.

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