Exclusive Charity Sighting: He-Man Protects Innocent

17 11 2007

This article was just forwarded to our office, proving once again that He-Man is looking out for the little man.

*From the Hell’s Kitchen Shopping Supplement

“One Man Still Listens”

When Molly Simmons of P.S. 143 in New York City realized she had left her backpack on the school bus, she knew she was once again destined to repeat the 5th grade. This would be the second time in two years that Molly let her carelessness ruin what chances she had at progressing with her classmates.

You see, Mr. D’Amato does not make exceptions with his due dates. Molly knew this fact all too well. Last year, caught up in the excitement of her 10th birthday (Double Digits and all) she left her diorama at home, “Right next to my bed” Molly recalls. And Molly could not reason with the man, “I tried to tell him that my mom could bring it right in, but he just shouted me quiet.”


D’Amato making an example of a slacker.

Therefore, when Molly stepped inside the elementary school building this past Friday, she knew something was off. She could survive without lunch or her Bratz dolls. It was that book report that she desperately needed and that was in her backpack, and that was still on the bus.

“At that point I didn’t know what to do,” Molly remembers, “I just sat down against my locker and began to cry.” Tears poured down her face, tears that in any other city would go unheard.

But ladies and gentlemen, this is New York City.

At the sound of innocence breaking, one man’s ears were able to hear the call, one He-Man. He-Man immediately rushed into action. “I was just waiting at a red light when it came up to the glass door,” recalls bus driver Edward Millard, “I didn’t want any trouble so I let the thing in.” He-Man then proceeded to rip the bus apart searching for whatever it was that would quell those tears. Finding the small backpack in the next to last seat, He-Man burst out the emergency door at the back of the bus.


He-Man, saving a little girl’s academic future.

“I was about to walk into Mr. D’Amato’s room, when the school’s doors burst open,” Molly excitedly reports, “I didn’t know who he was, but there he was, my backpack in his hand.” She didn’t know what to say, didn’t say anything in fact. He-Man handed in the backpack and then proceeded into Mr. D’Amato’s room where he lectured the man and his class on the importance of understanding and forgiveness. “I ended up getting an A on the report,” Molly says as she points to the refrigerator.

In a city populated by those who choose to block one another out with Ipods and cell phones, one man is still listening.

Until Next time,
James Forrester

James Forrester is a senior executive reporter for the Hell’s Kitchen Shopping Supplement.

INJUSTICE: Government Traps He-Man in Force Field

6 11 2007

With He-Man out of the public’s eye for a few weeks, we at FHM assumed He was on His regular October retreat to Malaysia. However, we were shocked to find in our mail box this morning a much more horrifying reality: He-Man is being trapped against His will.

How could anyone possibly keep this awe-inspiring specimen in any place under duress, you ask? Invisible Force Field Technology.


He-Man struggles to escape the see-through prison.

Apparently the United States government has been developing their Invisi-Field technology ever since WW2. As you can see, the force field is kept in place by a series of magnetic bars.

As we conducted more research on this tragic phenomenon, we found that the bars emit several billion electrons of Anti-He radiation, which is non-threatening to humans between the ages of 0 and 2,423. This is why anyone but He-Man can walk in and out as they please. Apparently heavily guarded soldiers constructed the weapon around He-Man at 3:30 pm last Tuesday, while he was taking a short nap in front of Hidden City Cafe. Outright brutality against He-Man hasn’t happened like this since the Tank Ramming of ’87, leaving hundreds of soldiers dead and thirteen destroyed tanks.

Governer Eliot Spitzer has even gone so far to label He-Man a “terrorist threat”.

“People say (He-Man)’s all about the good fight, well just last month he threw a shoplifter on top of the Empire State Building, causing the spike to decapitate the poor man. Come to find out, He was a veteran.”


The Governor, giving the OK to trap He-Man.

We implore you, the followers and friends of He-Man to write your Congressperson, pressuring them to lift this inhumane cage off a wonderful creature and let him roam free throughout our parks and subway stations.