He-Man Haggles Man Into Oblivion

23 02 2008

He-Man was seen in rare form last night: shopping on St. Mark’s place, where all the best bargains can be found on the hottest, custom-made New York “grabs”.

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Poor quality picture, high quality goods.

Apparently this picture was taken seconds after leaving “WearYOTear”, a small store devoted to selling scarves and vintage hats, owned by a Mr. Roberto Caldwell.

He-Man threw ten assorted bandannas on the counter and looked at Mr. Caldwell. A customer transcribed the following interaction from memory:

HE-MAN: I want these.

ROBERTO CALDWELL: Those scarves? Those are nice scarves. Three dollars each.

He-Man then “slapped” Roberto with the mere force of his hand flying by his face, failing to make any true contact. This was He-Man’s way of saying, “Three bucks? Surely you can go lower.”

Mr. Caldwell wiped a line of blood off his chin;

ROBERTO CALDWELL: These bandannas? They come from Tuscany. I lose money if I sell them less than $3.

He-Man responded by grabbing Roberto’s glasses and crushing them into a tiny powder in his very hands. He then threw the powder into Roberto’s eyes, blinding him. This, we can only assume, is the equivalent of a normal bargain-hunter saying “$2 or I’m walking!”

But Caldwell stood his ground.

ROBERTO CALDWELL: (Swatting the air blindly) No! These were made by human hands in the finest of conditions! I couldn’t possibly! $3 or nothing!

He-Man was furious. What would be translated into complaining by a normal human being, He-Man smashed the glass counter with Roberto’s face, and then wrote “TERROR BY IGNORANCE” with Mr. Caldwell’s bloody head on the wall of the store. After that, He dropped Roberto to the ground, barely conscious. “Ok,” He-Man muttered in defeat. “You run a tough bargain.” He then purchased the bandannas from Roberto’s assistant, Gary, who silently completed the transaction.

So if you see He-Man sporting some new bloody bandannas, you know the full story.

If YOU have any He-Man sightings, send them to FindHeMan@Gmail.com

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From the Rumor Mill: He-Man to Replace Castro?

21 02 2008

by Todd Weathers, FHM’s new gossip columnist.

According to Washington insiders and officials within the Cuban government, Castro stepped down only after securing He-Man to take his place. We here at Find He-Man find these rumors impossible to believe for several reasons.

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For one, He-Man has never once wavered from his love of capitalism and the United States of America. Two, if he wanted public power, he could instantaneously win election in this country…. No matter what office was in question. And finally, He-Man is anti-smoking, why would he rule a country whose identity is wrapped up in cigars?

With the rumor mill unable to answer these seemingly obvious question, it is clear that He-Man isn’t going anywhere.

Don’t fear people, He-Man only wears red when coordinating his outfit.”

Todd Weathers is a world renown gossip columnist. He has written gossip articles for the New York Times, The Wall Street Journal, and The American Journalism Review.





ALERT: HE-MAN SPOTTED OUT OF HIBERNATION.

21 02 2008

We at FindHeMan.Com were awoken by an email alert that caught our attention:

The following is written by Dave Nicholson, a He-Man follower since the summer of 2002:

“Today, I email you friends from a dark corner in the basement of my building…Here I am safe; here it is silent. Or so I think.

I was walking down 2nd avenue to my daily coffee stand at 6:38 in the morning (My friend Charlie runs it always). I said hi to Charlie, the man who regularly sells me my coffee. It was cold; but not too cold. I was wearing a thin scarf and low cut socks. What a great day, I thought. What a great morning as well, I also thought.

Or so I thought.

All of a sudden, I heard a noise. A loud noise. I thought it was Charlie grunting, but it wasn’t. I looked at him; he had a smile on his face. What could it be? What could have happened? Was everything OK? What was about to happen?

I turned to the left. Nothing. I turned to the right. Guess who I saw? Or rather, WHAT I saw.

That’s right. He-Man.

I couldn’t believe my very eyes. I turned back to Charlie, but he had fleed. Luckily, he left my coffee that I had paid for.

I grabbed my coffee and started running. Left, right, left right. Turning around only to see if it was indeed the magical mystery man that was He-Man. I looked twice. It was Him, alright.

Now I know what you’re thinking, “Isn’t He supposed to be hibernating?” That’s what I thought too. But I guess these late, sunny February days have woken Him, and He’s ready for his reign on the city once again.

Take it from me, a terrified budget consolidator for a flashlight company, He’s out there. I repeat, He is out there.”

What does this mean? This means that our public tribute, like He-Man, is out of hibernation. Arm yourselves with cameras and video capturing devices, for you may be the next one out there to find He-Man.

Please send any and all accounts (reports, photographs, videos) of He-Man’s existence to FindHeMan@Gmail.com.