He-Man Responsible For Times Square Blast?

8 03 2008

As many of you may know, a small explosion occurred outside the military recruiting office in Times Square on Thursday. Questions as to who could be responsible for the blast have proven to be somewhat inconclusive, until now. Some shocking new evidence has surfaced that has lead investigators in one direction. He-Man.

Investigator Robert Wilder, head of the blast’s investigation, was the first to stumble upon this discovery. When asked how he came across this finding, Mr. Wilder gave this statement:

“I was reviewing the security camera footage and I felt a burning sensation in the back of my eyes and deep within my temples, almost as if I was looking directly into the sun. So, I hit the pause button and that’s when I saw Him. It was He-Man.”

The camera was only able to capture a single frame of He-Man’s appearance. This image was sent to FHM after the discovery.

hemantimesquare.jpg

Undeniable proof.

This image has certainly answered the question as to who was responsible, but one question still remains. Why? There is no question that He-Man is capable of such a feat, but would He-Man do something like this? Through further investigations and the cooperation of Frances Pibkins, a local homeless man who witnessed the whole ordeal, investigators have come up with the answer.

homelessmanfhm.jpg

Frances, reliving the moment in his mind.

Mr. Pibkins witnessed a young man standing outside the military recruiting office at around 3AM Thursday morning. The young man had a bag full of spray paints. He then proceeded to take the spray paints out and write offensive words and phrases on the concrete in front of the building. He did not get far for he was soon interrupted by none other then He-Man himself. Pibkins said,

“There was a terrible howlin’ wind and a flash of light and that’s when that jungle ghost man appeared. I knows what I saw.”

The young man, realizing he was no match for He-Man, dropped the bag of graffiti paints got on his bike and left. He-Man walked over to where the boy had written his words of hate and became infuriated. Mr. Pibkins,

“That jungle ghost looked down at them words and his eyes turned red like a fire. I knows what I saw.”

He-Man then realized that the area would be full of families with little children in only a few hours. Seeing words like this would leave a lasting impression. He-Man did what was necessary to rid Times Square of such outlandish words: He ripped the casing off a nearby traffic light control box and threw it on the ground. He tore off a lock of his hair with his bare hand and threw it in the box. He then shed a single tear into the box and closed it. He reached down and touched his fingertips to the concrete below his feet. The ground began to shake violently. In a flash, the box exploded, causing the concrete to crack and destroyed what remained of the paint. He took the bag of graffiti paints and disappeared as quickly as he came. Mr. Pibkins had this to say,

“And then God went boom! I knows what I saw.”

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Sightings of the Week 3/1-3/8

7 03 2008

Those who were too slow to catch a snapshot.

MARCH 1 – DAN spotted He-Man at a FedEx store on Spring st and Lafayette. When told He couldn’t ship the severed head of a Chupacabra, He stormed out saying, “I guess I’ll just go to UPS.”

MARCH 3 – MOLLY viewed He-Man laying on a bench in Central Park. When someone mistook Him for a bum and tossed Him a nickel, He caught it in his sleep and threw it back at 100 mph. It shot through the man’s skin and murdered him dead.

MARCH 4 – EVAN got a glance of He-Man talking on a pay phone on 23rd and 2nd. We can only assume He was talking to either God, Jimmy Hoffa, or Rambo.

MARCH 6 – SHEILA caught He-Man trying on a new camo-suit at Dillards.

MARCH 8 – TODD saw He-Man at Virgin Records in Union Square. He was listening to the new Greatest Hits from Morrissey. He then subjected a terrified teen to a conversation about how his solo stuff beats The Smiths any day.

If YOU have any pictures or sightings, send them to FindHeMan@Gmail.com.