He-Man Demonstrates Traffic Safety

23 04 2008

In an unexpected event, He-Man took to the streets yesterday and demonstrated the importance of traffic and safety laws.

“I’ve always thought that you teach by doing,” He told Bruce Collins, a reporter for “City Limits”, New York’s #1 blog on safety. “When I was a He-Boy, no one told me that you shouldn’t stare directly at the sun. Now I know that my mercury brain fumes may melt it and destroy the earth. Thank God that never happened.”

He-Man’s demonstration began on 23rd st and Park Ave, where He safely waited before walking across the street.

Sharing the importance of safety.

“You need to stay here until the orange hand goes away,” He instructed a crowd. “Otherwise vehicles will force impact and destroy you.” He then displayed the consequences of getting hit by a car and walked into moving traffic. However, with the body of a marble god and the strength of ten, the oncoming cab was immediately turned into a hot yellow liquid and washed over Him in the glistening sun. He-Man shrugged and encouraged the onlookers to bottle the liquid as souvenirs.

After his traffic lesson, He taught the crowd of New York tourists about protecting themselves in dangerous neighborhoods.

“Let’s say, hypothetically, you are being mugged. But not so fast: you’re exhausted so you can’t implode him with your high-frequency hiss and it’s too dark to blast him with your laser retinas. What do you do then?” A confused crowd stayed silent. He laughed and continued, “I know it’s tricky, but you need to be prepared for these situations. What you should do is grab his weapon, swallow it, and use your remaining strength to head butt him through his circulatory system. It’s a little advanced, but easy with some practice.” He then demonstrated on Bruce Collins, reporter for “City Limits”. His funeral will be held next Tuesday at St. Vartan’s Cathedral.

The safety tour ended at PinkBerry, where He-Man pressured the management to reward everyone in his group a free medium Pinkberry.

Sweet rewards for safe living.

“I just love Pinkberry,” He said with an increasing smile. He then suggested that everyone should be “Pink-wary” of the calorie content in each serving. After being met with a lukewarm response to his joke, He demonstrated the circulatory head-butt once again to each member of the crowd. Their joint funerals will be held next Wednesday at St. Michael’s Cathedral on 11th and Park ave.

Sightings of the Week 4/10-4/17

17 04 2008

Here are some reports that couldn’t catch his image:

APRIL 10 – DENNIS spotted He-Man in a Starbucks on Canal St. Disgusted by the dirty bathrooms, He physically threatened the barista to tell everyone the password for wireless internet.

APRIL 11 – MICA saw He-Man eating a cheeseburger on 34th and 7th. While no one is certain what was in the ground up patty, many speculate it is the body of that jerk mailman who never has any mail for Him.

APRIL 12 – STEPHEN saw He-Man in Union Square outside of Shoemania. Apparently He left in a storm when He found out they don’t carry size 52693HELLMETAL Pumas.

APRIL 13 – BRAD viewed He-Man on the 6 train at rush hour. Almost everyone in the car called the “See Something, Say Something” hot line and described the intricacies of his daunting quadriceps.

APRIL 15 – ASHRADEE spotted He-Man in a Pinkberry on Spring St and Lafayette. After sampling every flavor nearly three times, an indecisive He-Man just yanked a handful of pinapples and called it a day.

APRIL 17 – JENN saw He-Man at a drum circle in Washington Square Park playing the bongos. The instant His hand made contact with the rawhide, a huge blast erupted that cleared out most of NYU’s campus.

If YOU have any sightings, email them to FindHeMan@Gmail.com

GOSSIP SIGHTING: He-Man Changes Body Wash

14 04 2008

By Harriet Schull, FHM’s newest gossip columnist.

Mase celebrated his return to music with a hit single; Napoleon celebrated his return to the throne with the Waterloo Campaign; He-Man celebrate His return to global domination with… new body wash?

“For as long as I can remember, he’s been using the blood of his rivals and the tears of their widows to get that squeaky clean and ready to start the day feel,” an anonymous source and close confidant of He-Man told us. “But we were in the toiletries aisle at the Walgreens on 23rd and Park Ave and something caught His eye.”

Making His way to the automatic doors.

He-Man allegedly picked up a bottle of Juniper Berry Breezes Body Wash, vaporized the safety seal with one look, then inhaled its fragrance so deeply that the next person who bought it returned it with the complaint, ‘Where the smell go? It don’t smell like nothing.’

Apparently caught He-Man’s attention

“[He-Man] got this dreamy look in His eye and started to hum an old prospector’s lullabye. He confessed later that He spent a very carefree summer at His Uncle’s in Eastern Montana and the smell of that Rocky Mountain Juniper transported him back to his youth,” He-Man’s confidant disclosed. “I mean, c’mon, who doesn’t get a little sentimental in springtime?”

He-Man’s mind was hardly made up. He faced a lengthy process to ensure the auspiciousness of His decision. First, He consulted an oracle, who divined that the cosmos willed it. Next, He spent 40 days and nights without food or water on the Staten Island Ferry where a hallucination involving a security guard saying ‘You can’t sleep here. Excuse me, sir. You’re not supposed to be here,’ confirmed that He was making the right decision. Finally, He-man sacrificed two foot-long meatball subs and a bag of Doritos to himself in order to gain His favor.

Certified Cosmetologist Angela Bertrand applauds He-Man’s brave decision. “A lot of people change body wash in the spring. See, you want your fall and winter body wash to soothe wind-chapped skin and your spring & summer body wash to reverse sun damage. So that was probably a factor,” she hypothesized. “I mean look at that skin tone. I know a baby’s bottom or two that would be jealous of that.” Angela added, pointing to an Anne Geddes desktop background.

Skin we would all die for.

And, of course, a new body wash means a new shower poof. “He had been using the decapitated head of a bear he grappled in a Greco-Roman death match. But that just didn’t go with Juniper Berry Breezes, so He picked up a baby blue shower poof,” He-Man’s anonymous cohort divulged. “He mentioned something casually about ‘adding a loofah to the mix’ but I don’t think he’s ready to commit to anything.”

“Did you know He can see a Magic Eye with just one eye?” He-Man’s childhood pal continued without prompt. “I will sell you this napkin. He used it today. You want this napkin He used today?”

He-fans should expect a decidedly fragrant brand of vengeance for the Spring 2008 season.

Harriet Schull is a renown gossip columnist and can be seen on the Style Channel’s “You Look Disgusting”.