GOSSIP SIGHTING: He-Man Changes Body Wash

14 04 2008

By Harriet Schull, FHM’s newest gossip columnist.

Mase celebrated his return to music with a hit single; Napoleon celebrated his return to the throne with the Waterloo Campaign; He-Man celebrate His return to global domination with… new body wash?

“For as long as I can remember, he’s been using the blood of his rivals and the tears of their widows to get that squeaky clean and ready to start the day feel,” an anonymous source and close confidant of He-Man told us. “But we were in the toiletries aisle at the Walgreens on 23rd and Park Ave and something caught His eye.”

Making His way to the automatic doors.

He-Man allegedly picked up a bottle of Juniper Berry Breezes Body Wash, vaporized the safety seal with one look, then inhaled its fragrance so deeply that the next person who bought it returned it with the complaint, ‘Where the smell go? It don’t smell like nothing.’

Apparently caught He-Man’s attention

“[He-Man] got this dreamy look in His eye and started to hum an old prospector’s lullabye. He confessed later that He spent a very carefree summer at His Uncle’s in Eastern Montana and the smell of that Rocky Mountain Juniper transported him back to his youth,” He-Man’s confidant disclosed. “I mean, c’mon, who doesn’t get a little sentimental in springtime?”

He-Man’s mind was hardly made up. He faced a lengthy process to ensure the auspiciousness of His decision. First, He consulted an oracle, who divined that the cosmos willed it. Next, He spent 40 days and nights without food or water on the Staten Island Ferry where a hallucination involving a security guard saying ‘You can’t sleep here. Excuse me, sir. You’re not supposed to be here,’ confirmed that He was making the right decision. Finally, He-man sacrificed two foot-long meatball subs and a bag of Doritos to himself in order to gain His favor.

Certified Cosmetologist Angela Bertrand applauds He-Man’s brave decision. “A lot of people change body wash in the spring. See, you want your fall and winter body wash to soothe wind-chapped skin and your spring & summer body wash to reverse sun damage. So that was probably a factor,” she hypothesized. “I mean look at that skin tone. I know a baby’s bottom or two that would be jealous of that.” Angela added, pointing to an Anne Geddes desktop background.

Skin we would all die for.

And, of course, a new body wash means a new shower poof. “He had been using the decapitated head of a bear he grappled in a Greco-Roman death match. But that just didn’t go with Juniper Berry Breezes, so He picked up a baby blue shower poof,” He-Man’s anonymous cohort divulged. “He mentioned something casually about ‘adding a loofah to the mix’ but I don’t think he’s ready to commit to anything.”

“Did you know He can see a Magic Eye with just one eye?” He-Man’s childhood pal continued without prompt. “I will sell you this napkin. He used it today. You want this napkin He used today?”

He-fans should expect a decidedly fragrant brand of vengeance for the Spring 2008 season.

Harriet Schull is a renown gossip columnist and can be seen on the Style Channel’s “You Look Disgusting”.

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