Sightings Week 5/8-5/15

15 05 2008

Here are some sightings that lack picture proof:

MAY 8 – ARNOLD saw He-Man at the South Street Seaport examining a street magician. Using His X-Ray vision, He saw that the magician was keeping a dove up his sleeve. “There’s a dove up his sleeve,” He told the annoyed spectators. “I can see there’s a dove.”

MAY 9 – BRIDGIT spotted He-Man at an H&M on w34th street applying for a job. Apparently He was confident about his references: The North Star, Hecca (Creator of Mother Earth), and Pete (shift supervisor at Applebees).

MAY 10 – HOLLY caught He-Man near a construction site on 38th and 8th this morning. He waited for the workers’ lunch break and then completed the 40 story building singlehandedly before they made it back.

MAY 11 – ADAM saw He-Man at Penn Station during rush hour. He was walking very slow, and everyone was perfectly OK with that.

MAY 13 – ANGELINA watched He-Man shop for furniture in Union Square. He asked the salesman if a La-Z-Boy Loveseat would be able to resist the heat of the sun’s surface. A confused but desperate furniture salesman smiled and said, “Yes.”

MAY 15 – DOUG also saw He-Man in Union Square. He was carrying the carcass of a man dressed in a suit who had “decieved his last customer”.

If YOU have any sightings or pictures, send them to FindHeMan@Gmail.com

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He-Man Unveils New 2008 Muscle

7 05 2008

Last Saturday, as if in a direct response to near perfect BBQ weather and definitely perfect park-your-car-and-blast-Reggaeton-music-from-a-tricked-out-stereo-system weather, He-Man unveiled the latest addition to His arsenal: a muscle on his back, colloquially known as “The Dorsal Fist.”

On Park Ave, showing off His new discovery.


He-Man’s Dorsal Fist was first discovered by Deborah Wilkinson, a masseuse He visits biweekly to relieve the minor aches and pains associated with carrying the fate of humanity on one’s shoulders.

“I was working on this knot in His neck He got after rescuing a box of kittens from a meth lab explosion, and all of a sudden this muscle came out of nowhere,” Deborah recalls. “I tried to work around it, but it kept electrocuting my hands. I mean it’s cute now, but when it gets older no ones gonna put up with that shit.” She then apologized for swearing and getting so worked up.

Deborah brought the muscle to the attention of He-Man who, overjoyed, called up a couple of pals from His Mahjong circle. “They showed up twenty minutes later with all these cigars and champagne and balloons. I couldn’t get them to leave. They ate all the Dum-Dums in the reception area.”

The Deputy Director of the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco, Firearms, and Explosives has requested in a public statement that He-Man register his Dorsal Fist with the state department because it is “potentially threatening”.

James Beecher, Deputy Director of the ATFE.

It should be noted that everything He-Man owns has been flagged by the state department as “potentially threatening”; from His empty Big Gulp [category: Dual-Purpose Medium-Caliber Ballistic Body] to His elastic hair tie [category: Low Grade Minor Impact Anti-Aircraft Projectile]. It should also be noted that the only thing He-Man has ever registered with the state department is a complaint that “you are treading on thin ice.”

Ever a man of the people, He-Man allowed a team of scientists to perform a vivisection while He read The Sunday Times in one sitting. Scientists discovered that the so-called Dorsal Fist excretes ‘Vehemen,’ a rare hormone that signals the brain to produce awe, reverence, and bowl-clearing fear in anyone within a ten-mile radius.

Not everyone is happy about the newest addition to He-Man’s team. “It’s unnatural,” Barry Horowitz of the Society for the Truth About He-Man argued. “The Laws of Physics state that matter can be neither created nor destroyed.” He-Fans are inclined to recall The Battle of Alpha Centauri in which He-Man had the Laws of Physics in a Tonga Death Grip for two hours before it cried ‘Uncle.’





Presidential Hopefuls Ask For He-Man’s Support

3 05 2008

by Todd Kuhl, FindHeMan’s Political Analyst

It is clear that the race for the Democratic nominee will come down the wire. Each of the candidates is doing their best to build support going into the Democratic National Convention in August. No matter what though, it looks to be a bitter and devise battle in Denver. The media has been a buzz with this issue of “super-delegates,” and how they will decide this nomination, but what about the lesser known and strategically more important “Super-Super-Delegate”? Also known to people around the world, as He-man.

His single voice can sway the mood of the entire party. And it seems, in the last week, that Hillary and Barack are finally realizing who they need to kiss up to. Even McCain is attempting to pull He-man to his side of the fence.

“I haven’t decided one way or the other,” says He-Man, when I caught up with Him on the lower east side, where He was ripping down cell-phone towers, “Even though I tend to vote Democratic, like all He-men have in the past, I’ve got my ears open to each of the candidates.”

Barack responded quickly after hearing this, promising to, “cut pollution and provide tax breaks for middle class families, both normal and He-families.”

Hillary also responded, urging He-Man to, “help her build a bridge to the 22nd century with His He-wisdom and He-vision.”

And, in a misguided effort, John McCain offered, “His first born son, and a pile of gold,” if He-Man would denounce the democrats and join in His victory.

“You know he’s probably just saying that,” said He-Man on McCain. “I’d like to actually see him deliver on inauguration day and send me that first born son. But he won’t.” He laughed and added, “Politics.”

No matter whom He-Man finally endorses, it is clear that His concerns lie in His community. “I want to end homelessness and get subsidized public housing built on the tops of mountains, so that my people can have their place in this great society,” said He-Man.

An indecisive He-Man grumbled to himself, “I’m staying in this election season.” His enormous hand scratched his silken locks. “None of them support any of my policies, such as more laws promoting public shirtlessness.” He shook His head. “And the last president that waged war against Odin was Franklin Delano Roosevelt, and he was beaten so badly, he lost use of his legs.”

I guess we’ll just have to see what He does this election season.

Todd Kuhl is the senior political analyst at the New York based McCarthy Think Tank. He was also former senior political analyst of CNBC.





Sightings of the Week 4/25-5/02

2 05 2008

Here are some He-Man sightings sans photos.

APRIL 25 – EMILY saw He-Man walking on 27th and Park Avenue South. When a solicitor handed Him a flyer for a free hair cut, He-Man laughed at the idea of cutting His hair with scissors instead of a blow torch.

APRIL 28 – PATRICIA spotted He-Man inside a Quiznos on 23rd st. He was trying to convince the staff to let him toast a sedated saber toothed tiger he had captured.

APRIL 29 – DAN caught He-Man resting on a building at 25th and Lexington. The 200,000 ton structure immediately crumpled under His body pressure, causing Him to sarcastically remark about the “lack of back support” offered by newly designed skyscrapers.

MAY 1 – MOLLY saw He-Man at a local Pinkberry on 32nd st. After flirting with the server for ten minutes, He asked if she would give him a large for the price of a medium. She did.

MAY 2 – KEVIN spotted He-Man at the movie premiere of “Baby Mama”. Apparently, when Tina Fey refused to give Him “a look”, He erupted in a violent fury and threw Access Hollywood correspondent Nancy O’Dell through a sewer grate.

If you have any sightings or pictures, send them to FindHeMan@Gmail.com.





Make Sure To Send Us Your Sightings!

1 05 2008

Fellow Hunters,

We’d like to take this time to stress the importance of your involvement in this operation, as we cannot succesfully track this man without your help.

If you live/work in the New York City area, we encourage you to keep your image capturing electronics handy and ready.

Good luck hunting.

-FindHeMan Staff