He-Man Unveils New 2008 Muscle

7 05 2008

Last Saturday, as if in a direct response to near perfect BBQ weather and definitely perfect park-your-car-and-blast-Reggaeton-music-from-a-tricked-out-stereo-system weather, He-Man unveiled the latest addition to His arsenal: a muscle on his back, colloquially known as “The Dorsal Fist.”

On Park Ave, showing off His new discovery.


He-Man’s Dorsal Fist was first discovered by Deborah Wilkinson, a masseuse He visits biweekly to relieve the minor aches and pains associated with carrying the fate of humanity on one’s shoulders.

“I was working on this knot in His neck He got after rescuing a box of kittens from a meth lab explosion, and all of a sudden this muscle came out of nowhere,” Deborah recalls. “I tried to work around it, but it kept electrocuting my hands. I mean it’s cute now, but when it gets older no ones gonna put up with that shit.” She then apologized for swearing and getting so worked up.

Deborah brought the muscle to the attention of He-Man who, overjoyed, called up a couple of pals from His Mahjong circle. “They showed up twenty minutes later with all these cigars and champagne and balloons. I couldn’t get them to leave. They ate all the Dum-Dums in the reception area.”

The Deputy Director of the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco, Firearms, and Explosives has requested in a public statement that He-Man register his Dorsal Fist with the state department because it is “potentially threatening”.

James Beecher, Deputy Director of the ATFE.

It should be noted that everything He-Man owns has been flagged by the state department as “potentially threatening”; from His empty Big Gulp [category: Dual-Purpose Medium-Caliber Ballistic Body] to His elastic hair tie [category: Low Grade Minor Impact Anti-Aircraft Projectile]. It should also be noted that the only thing He-Man has ever registered with the state department is a complaint that “you are treading on thin ice.”

Ever a man of the people, He-Man allowed a team of scientists to perform a vivisection while He read The Sunday Times in one sitting. Scientists discovered that the so-called Dorsal Fist excretes ‘Vehemen,’ a rare hormone that signals the brain to produce awe, reverence, and bowl-clearing fear in anyone within a ten-mile radius.

Not everyone is happy about the newest addition to He-Man’s team. “It’s unnatural,” Barry Horowitz of the Society for the Truth About He-Man argued. “The Laws of Physics state that matter can be neither created nor destroyed.” He-Fans are inclined to recall The Battle of Alpha Centauri in which He-Man had the Laws of Physics in a Tonga Death Grip for two hours before it cried ‘Uncle.’

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