He-Man: Summer Movie Reviews 2008

7 06 2008

Once a year, the Motion Picture Association of America has a screening with He-Man to see what He likes, dislikes, and what makes Him cry large tears of gasoline (yes he cries gasoline). We got the first word on His summer movie predictions from a fax sent by MPAA employee, Michael Fisher.

Note that while He-Man cannot safely express Himself in words (otherwise we would turn to sap), Michael Fisher has analyzed His recorded physical reactions.

“Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull”

FISHER: “This one was tough because it was immediately after He regained consciousness from the sedative we force fed Him. He was confused and furious, shouting phrases at the screen I couldn’t begin to understand. Although every time Shiah Labouf had a line, He sat quietly.”

FINAL CALL: Shia Labouf is gifted in a way past human comprehension.

“Iron Man”

Fisher: “He-Man was now fully relaxed when this film started. There have been rumors of He-Man being a huge fan of the Iron Man comic book, and his reaction confirmed. He remained calm for most of the film, although He started banging His head against his seat in delight when He saw the Captain America shield in the background. Many fans have said this hints at a Captain America movie. Apparently Captain America is He-Man’s favorite super hero and can’t wait for it to come out next year.”

Final Call: Didn’t seem to like it as much as He likes Shia Labouf, but He didn’t try to injure us when we replaced his feeding tube. That’s a good sign.

“What Happens in Vegas”

Fisher: “Here’s when things got bad. We never intended on actually showing Him the whole film, it was just a joke. But the opening credits was all it took. Once He saw Ashton Kutcher’s name followed by Cameron Diaz, He started punching His own teeth. Once his teeth became loose, he spit them out like bullets at an intense speed, splitting his chains with one shot each. With his chains free and a mouth full of loose teeth, He began shooting teeth into our researchers, causing wounds and even a few fatalities. We had no choice but to make a run for it. As we all dodged His rampage, He made his way to the projection booth. He didn’t hurt anyone else, but instead grabbed the “Vegas” reel and tore it to tiny, invisible bits. After it was completely destroyed, He looked around at the damaged laboratory and wounded researchers. He shook His head and mumbled, “What I did was bad. But what you were about to do to me is unspeakable.’

Final Call: I’ve never witnessed such careless violence from a subject. Be careful with this one.

He-Man’s movie reviews will continue soon after the San Diego Center for Entertainment Research is fully repaired.