CHARITY ALERT: He-Man Takes Out Dying Girl For Frappuccino

15 07 2008

He-Man was spotted last weekend, but not alone. He was courting a young sick girl whose one wish for the “Make-a-Wish” Foundation was to share stories and coffee smoothies with He-Man.

Erin Lampert had been a huge fan of the website ever since it began, and once she came down with Amyotrophic Choreoacanthocytosis, a very rare disease where your organs switch places with one another, she knew what she had to do.

“If I ever had a chance to meet He-Man, this was it,” Erin said from her hospital bed, as the effects of Amyotrophic Choreoacanthocytosis were in their fourth and final stage. “The Make-a-Wish Foundation was a big help in tracking down He-Man, drugging him with qualudes and antifreeze, and getting Him to come to Starbucks with me for a…date!” She giggled at the thought of her and He-Man on a date, and then coughed for several minutes, as laughter makes the effects of Amyotrophic Choreoacanthocytosis much worse.

At first, He-Man was reluctant to go. He thought it would make Him appear soft and silky. But His public relations agent, Brady Abner, assured Him it was the right move.

Brady Abner during his vacation to the Cayman Islands.

The two had a wonderful time at Starbucks, He even posed for a photograph:

An extremely rare moment for an extremely rare disease.

After that, they moved onto Pinkberry and shared a large Pinkberry with pineapples and blackberries. “This is the happiest day of my life,” Erin told us in a telephone interview after the meeting. “He-Man and Pinkberry. What more could a girl want?”

A treat as sweet as He-Man.

He-Man liked Erin so much he traveled inside of her body and murdered all traces of Amyotrophic Choreoacanthocytosis. However, He managed to knuckle-punch her lungs in the process, giving her a crippling rare form of Carnitine-Acyl-Defiency.





BREAKING NEWS: He-Man’s Muscles Go On Strike

2 07 2008

A struggling He-Man was sighted on the northwest side of Tompkins Square Park the other day. He was wearing what we have all come to know as His “shirt”.

A past occurrence in which He sported the foreign cloth.

Shirtless, but still carrying a shirt.

THIS time He was seen wearing the shirt, but not of His choice. He was forced to because his upper body muscles went on strike.

Just left of center, keeping His guns confined until further notice.

No news has surfaced as to why the famous biceps are going dark, but many speculate that it has to do with His popularity, and not the muscle’s popularity. While this may seem ridiculous, it is true that the muscles make He-Man a household name. Perhaps this is a good move that can bring fairness to other parts of His body.

Although, His abs did not agree with the actions of his upper body.

“Everyone knows the muscles are the most important part of He-Man”, His enormous six pack said in a press statement. “We don’t need more money or our own blog, that’s just the way life is. We’re all working for Him. Personally, I feel lucky.”

No word has been said if the muscles will keep holding out or if they’re ready to talk.