He-Man’s Giant Muscles Make Venti Starbucks Cup Look Like A Tall

23 02 2009

This morning, He-Man was spotted walking out of Starbucks on 23rd and 3rd. It appeared He was handling a tall Starbucks cup.

BUT HE WASN’T.

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Upon closer inspection by our team of photo analysts, He-Man is carrying a Venti size Starbucks cup. You see, His muscles are just so large and scary that in comparison, this giant Starbucks cup looks two sizes smaller.

Just take that cup in your mind and put it in the hand of that guy with a messenger bag behind Him. Looks bigger right? Right.

Also, we thought that was a mini cooper behind Him, but apparently that is in fact a bus.

If YOU have any He-Man sightings, send them to FindHeMan@Gmail.com!

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He-Man: Summer Movie Reviews 2008

7 06 2008

Once a year, the Motion Picture Association of America has a screening with He-Man to see what He likes, dislikes, and what makes Him cry large tears of gasoline (yes he cries gasoline). We got the first word on His summer movie predictions from a fax sent by MPAA employee, Michael Fisher.

Note that while He-Man cannot safely express Himself in words (otherwise we would turn to sap), Michael Fisher has analyzed His recorded physical reactions.

“Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull”

FISHER: “This one was tough because it was immediately after He regained consciousness from the sedative we force fed Him. He was confused and furious, shouting phrases at the screen I couldn’t begin to understand. Although every time Shiah Labouf had a line, He sat quietly.”

FINAL CALL: Shia Labouf is gifted in a way past human comprehension.

“Iron Man”

Fisher: “He-Man was now fully relaxed when this film started. There have been rumors of He-Man being a huge fan of the Iron Man comic book, and his reaction confirmed. He remained calm for most of the film, although He started banging His head against his seat in delight when He saw the Captain America shield in the background. Many fans have said this hints at a Captain America movie. Apparently Captain America is He-Man’s favorite super hero and can’t wait for it to come out next year.”

Final Call: Didn’t seem to like it as much as He likes Shia Labouf, but He didn’t try to injure us when we replaced his feeding tube. That’s a good sign.

“What Happens in Vegas”

Fisher: “Here’s when things got bad. We never intended on actually showing Him the whole film, it was just a joke. But the opening credits was all it took. Once He saw Ashton Kutcher’s name followed by Cameron Diaz, He started punching His own teeth. Once his teeth became loose, he spit them out like bullets at an intense speed, splitting his chains with one shot each. With his chains free and a mouth full of loose teeth, He began shooting teeth into our researchers, causing wounds and even a few fatalities. We had no choice but to make a run for it. As we all dodged His rampage, He made his way to the projection booth. He didn’t hurt anyone else, but instead grabbed the “Vegas” reel and tore it to tiny, invisible bits. After it was completely destroyed, He looked around at the damaged laboratory and wounded researchers. He shook His head and mumbled, “What I did was bad. But what you were about to do to me is unspeakable.’

Final Call: I’ve never witnessed such careless violence from a subject. Be careful with this one.

He-Man’s movie reviews will continue soon after the San Diego Center for Entertainment Research is fully repaired.





From the Rumor Mill: He-Man to Replace Castro?

21 02 2008

by Todd Weathers, FHM’s new gossip columnist.

According to Washington insiders and officials within the Cuban government, Castro stepped down only after securing He-Man to take his place. We here at Find He-Man find these rumors impossible to believe for several reasons.

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For one, He-Man has never once wavered from his love of capitalism and the United States of America. Two, if he wanted public power, he could instantaneously win election in this country…. No matter what office was in question. And finally, He-Man is anti-smoking, why would he rule a country whose identity is wrapped up in cigars?

With the rumor mill unable to answer these seemingly obvious question, it is clear that He-Man isn’t going anywhere.

Don’t fear people, He-Man only wears red when coordinating his outfit.”

Todd Weathers is a world renown gossip columnist. He has written gossip articles for the New York Times, The Wall Street Journal, and The American Journalism Review.





ALERT: HE-MAN SPOTTED OUT OF HIBERNATION.

21 02 2008

We at FindHeMan.Com were awoken by an email alert that caught our attention:

The following is written by Dave Nicholson, a He-Man follower since the summer of 2002:

“Today, I email you friends from a dark corner in the basement of my building…Here I am safe; here it is silent. Or so I think.

I was walking down 2nd avenue to my daily coffee stand at 6:38 in the morning (My friend Charlie runs it always). I said hi to Charlie, the man who regularly sells me my coffee. It was cold; but not too cold. I was wearing a thin scarf and low cut socks. What a great day, I thought. What a great morning as well, I also thought.

Or so I thought.

All of a sudden, I heard a noise. A loud noise. I thought it was Charlie grunting, but it wasn’t. I looked at him; he had a smile on his face. What could it be? What could have happened? Was everything OK? What was about to happen?

I turned to the left. Nothing. I turned to the right. Guess who I saw? Or rather, WHAT I saw.

That’s right. He-Man.

I couldn’t believe my very eyes. I turned back to Charlie, but he had fleed. Luckily, he left my coffee that I had paid for.

I grabbed my coffee and started running. Left, right, left right. Turning around only to see if it was indeed the magical mystery man that was He-Man. I looked twice. It was Him, alright.

Now I know what you’re thinking, “Isn’t He supposed to be hibernating?” That’s what I thought too. But I guess these late, sunny February days have woken Him, and He’s ready for his reign on the city once again.

Take it from me, a terrified budget consolidator for a flashlight company, He’s out there. I repeat, He is out there.”

What does this mean? This means that our public tribute, like He-Man, is out of hibernation. Arm yourselves with cameras and video capturing devices, for you may be the next one out there to find He-Man.

Please send any and all accounts (reports, photographs, videos) of He-Man’s existence to FindHeMan@Gmail.com.





UPDATE: He-Man Hibernates Somewhere Under Manhattan

18 01 2008

Many loyal FHM readers have been sending us thousands of emails a day complaining and begging for more accounts of He-Man’s existence. While we are annoyed with the overflow of our G-Mail, we do feel your concern. However, what we should have mentioned on the website is that our very own He-Man is in fact hibernating, as He does every winter.

Where is He hibernating, you may ask? That’s a very fair question, we do not know. He chooses a new spot every year to avoid petty fans and hunters. He-Man knows more than anyone that He needs his rest, so He can rise again when the weather is warm and the girls are ripe to be wooed.

FindHeMan.com will fully return as soon as He does from his dark fortress of rest. Hang in there, believers. We’ll be hunting soon.





BREAKING NEWS: Vatican Releases Statement on “Hemanism”

26 08 2007

This statement was released by the Vatican at 12:55 pm on Thursday August 25, 2007.

I have come to learn it contains the concerns of the Church regarding the recent migration of Catholics to Hemanism, or the following of He-Man.

“It has come to the attention of the Roman Catholic Church and the Vatican Council that people in the city of New York have begun to question their faith. The attendance of church services, especially those in the borough of Manhattan, has dropped 32% from last year. Even charitable donations to churches and church run organizations, have fallen substantially. We urge people to return to their faith, to find healing in the love of the lord.

We also urge people to see through false prophets, to focus on the one true God. Do not forsake the first commandment, “I am the Lord your God, who brought you out of the land of Egypt, out of the house of slavery; you shall have no other gods before me.”

In past years, such an urging would not be necessary, but these are very different times. With the dawn of the new millennium came the stirring of old myths. People began to once again fall back on the Hihmaan version of the Bible. The Hihmaan version of the Holy Book contains a story that was condemned long ago as factually incorrect. We stand by this decision.

Lord be with you.”

This controversial statement, we believe, is only the beginning of the church’s He-Man paranoia. As His followers multiply day by day, it is only a matter of time before the world recognizes He-Man as an essential part in our existence.

For more information on the book of Hihmaan, read “Special Report: Ancient Texts Reveal He-Man’s Existence in the Bible”.





He-Man, Enraged Sues Movie Studio for Likeness Rights Infringement.

24 08 2007

In the latest issue of the Daily Variety, it was announced that a film, based on the 1980’s animated series “He Man,” will go into production this fall. It appears that the makers of this film have done their lower Manhattan research, concentrating their efforts on a certain bare-chested hero. But, they did so not without facing his inevitable wrath.

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Depiction of the fictional He-Man.

In a recent court case He-man took his revenge on the creators of the film for the illegal, derivative use of his likeness, leaving in his wake an ocean of blood and flesh, and a trail of money and of tears.

He-Man successfully sued the major movie studio for likeness rights from both the series and the movie, stating “I assure you, that’s me. They changed the hair color to try and cover it up, but the stature and the face are clearly my own. Not to mention they directly copied my war belt. It’s in my closet if you want to see.”

He-Man refused representation by the state, which is offered by the court to victims of media-related crimes such as this, and proceeded to prosecute the studio by himself. While He-Man has no formal degree or document proving his credentials, he floated across the courtroom with soft-shoe finesse, using his monumental rhetoric and astonishing (and quite deadly) physique, much like a modern day, shirtless Gene Kelly, if he were also a lawyer.

Though he inadvertently killed three of the twelve jurors by raising his voice to a super-sonic level on one occasion during the trial, the half-naked deity left victorious, exiting the courthouse with the complete film stock of the He-Man movie in one hand and a large cardboard check in the other.

“It was only a matter of time until this issue was addressed. Just be thankful that a lawsuit was the only thing that came of this,” said Howard Webster III, He-Man’s financial adviser and personal accountant. “If He hadn’t restrained himself I could have been giving this interview in the infinite blazing inferno of the eternal void, promised by the imminent destruction of life as we know it, by the only known force powerful enough to do so. Thank your lucky stars that you can still walk with both legs, and that your daughter can someday go to private college.”

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He-Man and financial adviser, Howard Webster III, shortly after the victory.

Matthew Modine, a representative of the studio, defended the use of He-Man’s likeness if the film claiming that the use of the images were “purely transformative. Any likeness used was employed to create a fictional character and communicate a message. Does that message relate to He-Man directly? No.” Mr. Modine gave FHM reporters this statement, shortly after the court was adjourned upon the awarding of damages to He-Man. Immediately following the statement, Mr. Modine was violently snatched from the court house steps by what appeared to be a griffin wearing a helmet of fire. The flying behemoth held two live children in its jaws as it ripped Modine from the ground with its stainless steel talons. Investigations have begun on the basis of suspicions that the demon bird was a conspirator, in cahoots with He-Man himself. We will keep you updated as details comes through our office.