He-Man Opens Up For Phantom Planet @ Irving Plaza

29 06 2009

This week, He-Man was spotted hanging out in front of the legendary Irving Plaza.

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Scoping it out.

Apparently His band CyberNeck is opening up for pop favorite Phantom Planet soon. He-Man’s attempt at crossing over to rock and roll has been met with hesitant cynicism, but let me say if He can crush a guitar solo the same way he can a skull, well then sign me up.

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SPECIAL WELLNESS REPORT: He-Man Turns Urban Jungle Into Fitness Center

16 06 2009

Today, He-Man was spotted working out on 23rd street. Not at the New York Sports Club, but rather at trendy new gym, Sidewalk.

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Doing some reps.

Apparently He was invited to christen it’s brand new machines, including the “Construction Pull-Up Bars” and the “Really Heavy Trash Can Weights”. 

He was spotted by hunter Josh, who He gave a “thumbs up” to after completing his 80,000th pushup.

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After completing His work out, the gym is now open for free to all resident New Yorkers and visiting tourists.

 

If YOU have a He-Man sighting, send it to FindHeMan@Gmail.com!





EXCLUSIVE STYLE TRAVESTY REPORT: American Apparel Snubs He-Man

30 04 2009

Today He-Man was spotted around NYU territory checking out summer fashions at American Apparel.

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Without much experience shopping there, He wandered in because of his famous vows to purchase anything with “America” in the title. He currently owns every “America” the band vinyl, frequents theme park “Six Flags: America” and even bought a Kid Rock “American Badass” t-shirt, but later returned it because of the profanity.

He chose a few items of clothing and later tried them on. He left the dressing room with his head held low, seemingly ashamed. It appeared as though American Apparel’s high expectations for men and women’s bodies left him feeling self conscious about his muscle mass and 14-inch neck.

Accusations have been made to the designers of the store’s clothes about how the sizes are unrealistic for real people to fit in, especially those with giant, alien-like features.

He-Man was overheard complaining to a friend while leaving:

“I mean, you see those sexy models on the back of The Onion, and it makes you want to be sexy too. I just want to wear some leotards and long socks. Oh well.”

He then went to Pinkberry and ate his heart out.

I guess now we all know why he rarely ever wears a shirt.

If YOU have a He-Man sighting, send it along to FindHeMan@Gmail.com





He-Man’s Giant Muscles Make Venti Starbucks Cup Look Like A Tall

23 02 2009

This morning, He-Man was spotted walking out of Starbucks on 23rd and 3rd. It appeared He was handling a tall Starbucks cup.

BUT HE WASN’T.

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Upon closer inspection by our team of photo analysts, He-Man is carrying a Venti size Starbucks cup. You see, His muscles are just so large and scary that in comparison, this giant Starbucks cup looks two sizes smaller.

Just take that cup in your mind and put it in the hand of that guy with a messenger bag behind Him. Looks bigger right? Right.

Also, we thought that was a mini cooper behind Him, but apparently that is in fact a bus.

If YOU have any He-Man sightings, send them to FindHeMan@Gmail.com!





BREAKING NEWS: He-Man Does Something Amazing Right…Behind That Blonde Lady

20 12 2008

In a miraculous and possibly earth-shattering move, He-Man today committed an act of bravery and courage…right behind that woman who is grabbing her knee for some reason.

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Look at the-hey, get out of the way.

Bystanders were heard saying “Wow!”, “I can’t believe He’s doing that!”, and “Ohmygosh!”, leading us no insight to what exactly was going on except that it was simply amazing.

We did, however, come to find out that this woman’s name is Sheila and that they just left an Outback Steakhouse. They also don’t respond to the universal hand signal for “get out of the way, I’m trying to take a picture”.

At the end of whatever it was He did, He bowed and said, “Thank you everyone for watching me do that thing that you will never see me do again. Hopefully you have captured it clearly in your mind or with a device that preserves unobstructed images.”

And then He destroyed Sheila for eating innocent animals at Outback.

If YOU have a He-Man sighting, send it to FindHeMan@Gmail.com. Also for the best prices on high quality meat with a party atmosphere, head on over to http://www.OutbackSteakHouse.com.





BREAKING NEWS: HE-MAN APPLIES FOR SMALL BUSINESS LOAN

5 12 2008

He-Man was spotted this afternoon exiting an Amalgamated Bank on 23rd st. and 3rd ave today. Apparently He was applying for an SBA Microloan for His startup business.

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With a plastic bag, possibly filled with a loan.

While His business severely underapps, sources around He-Man at the time of the meeting said it sounded like He was starting a small burrito restaurant, “kind of like Chipotle.” The terrified banker had no choice but to grant He-Man the loan, even though He had no sound business plan or long term goals.

“What about your two year fiscal projections?” The banker was overheard asking He-Man. To this inquiry He-Man hastilly put together a burrito with items from His pockets. After taking  5 minutes to make an unhealthy, unsanitary burrito, He-Man crossed his arms and replied braggingly, “All of my projections lead to zest.”

He-Man’s brand new burrito chain will open next spring in the west village. He is currently working on an enchillada that can cure blindness. I guess we’ll have to wait and see.

If YOU have any He-Man sightings or photographs, email them to FindHeMan@Gmail.com





BREAKING NEWS OF THE HEART: HE-MAN SEEN ESCORTING POWERFUL SEDUCTRESS WITH SEVEN SOULS OF FIRE

23 11 2008

femalecolumnistby Trudy Axford, Find He Man’s newest gossip columnist.

Today was a whirlwind of news for Ms. Axford, good hunters. I started my day with my Starbucks double shot, followed by a latte, followed up again with a red bull and vodka (keeps me regular)! At 9AM i dozed off into my usual trance and at around 11 I awoke to the sound of a picture slamming my desk. It was a PROOF of He-Man and a LOVE INTEREST! Now, if you aren’t living in a deep hole with layers of cement on top, you know that He-Man is a very picky lover. After his relationship with Helga: The Angel Princess of Steam ended badly, He’s been unwilling to let His giant heart out to anyone new.

BUT this picture depicted Him with a brand new flame:

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On a casual walking date.

Yep! Sorry ladies: He-Man is taken again! But who is this mystery woman? At first, she appeared to be a no-name, but that won’t stop Ms. Trudy!

Apparently, her name is Evelyn and she’s a librarian. However, she moonlights as a seductress and possesses seven evil souls within her human frame. I know ladies, isn’t that always the story? It seems great guys never go for the Plain Jane with just one human soul that isn’t of wrath and fire. I blame the internet for allowing men to reach their fantasies so plainly.

I will be keeping my one good eye on this famous couple daily, and I urge you to as well! If there’s any sightings you may have, be sure to forward them on to FindHeMan@Gmail.com, and make the subject to me, Trudy Axford!

Do I hear wedding bells!?!?!