BREAKING NEWS: HE-MAN APPLIES FOR SMALL BUSINESS LOAN

5 12 2008

He-Man was spotted this afternoon exiting an Amalgamated Bank on 23rd st. and 3rd ave today. Apparently He was applying for an SBA Microloan for His startup business.

photo2

With a plastic bag, possibly filled with a loan.

While His business severely underapps, sources around He-Man at the time of the meeting said it sounded like He was starting a small burrito restaurant, “kind of like Chipotle.” The terrified banker had no choice but to grant He-Man the loan, even though He had no sound business plan or long term goals.

“What about your two year fiscal projections?” The banker was overheard asking He-Man. To this inquiry He-Man hastilly put together a burrito with items from His pockets. After taking  5 minutes to make an unhealthy, unsanitary burrito, He-Man crossed his arms and replied braggingly, “All of my projections lead to zest.”

He-Man’s brand new burrito chain will open next spring in the west village. He is currently working on an enchillada that can cure blindness. I guess we’ll have to wait and see.

If YOU have any He-Man sightings or photographs, email them to FindHeMan@Gmail.com

Advertisements




BREAKING NEWS OF THE HEART: HE-MAN SEEN ESCORTING POWERFUL SEDUCTRESS WITH SEVEN SOULS OF FIRE

23 11 2008

femalecolumnistby Trudy Axford, Find He Man’s newest gossip columnist.

Today was a whirlwind of news for Ms. Axford, good hunters. I started my day with my Starbucks double shot, followed by a latte, followed up again with a red bull and vodka (keeps me regular)! At 9AM i dozed off into my usual trance and at around 11 I awoke to the sound of a picture slamming my desk. It was a PROOF of He-Man and a LOVE INTEREST! Now, if you aren’t living in a deep hole with layers of cement on top, you know that He-Man is a very picky lover. After his relationship with Helga: The Angel Princess of Steam ended badly, He’s been unwilling to let His giant heart out to anyone new.

BUT this picture depicted Him with a brand new flame:

photo1

On a casual walking date.

Yep! Sorry ladies: He-Man is taken again! But who is this mystery woman? At first, she appeared to be a no-name, but that won’t stop Ms. Trudy!

Apparently, her name is Evelyn and she’s a librarian. However, she moonlights as a seductress and possesses seven evil souls within her human frame. I know ladies, isn’t that always the story? It seems great guys never go for the Plain Jane with just one human soul that isn’t of wrath and fire. I blame the internet for allowing men to reach their fantasies so plainly.

I will be keeping my one good eye on this famous couple daily, and I urge you to as well! If there’s any sightings you may have, be sure to forward them on to FindHeMan@Gmail.com, and make the subject to me, Trudy Axford!

Do I hear wedding bells!?!?!





DEVELOPING STORY: HE-MAN IMPOSTORS TARNISH THE GOOD NAME OF HE-MAN

17 10 2008

Today was a very emotionaly charged day for the FHM staff. We were sent this He-Man sighting at 2:29 PM EST:

“Dear Find He-Man,

My name is Kathy and I am a third grader at PS 143 on 43rd st. This morning we took a field trip to Grand Central Terminal to learn about the locomotives and the different types of sushi restaurants in the lower area. Just when we were being taught how to make a dragon roll, we all saw He-Man walking out of the bathroom!

“Look!” I said. “He-Man!”

We all looked and stopped making sushi. We saw He-Man and He looked nice. I love He-Man. I hear he likes Spongebob.

I went up to him and said, “Who’s your favorite Spongebob character?”

He looked at me and my class, squatted, and gave me the middle finger with both of his hands. He said “Eat my business.” And then walked off. And then gave us the middle finger again.

Through the tears, I took a picture of Him with my phone. Why would He-Man do this to me, FindHeMan.com? Why?!

Kathy Littleton, 5th grader.”

Of course we were stunned when we got this, so we looked into it. Apparently there is a He-Man impostor walking around town. Just take a look at this picture:

He’s even got the walk down.

You can clearly tell from His lack of physical prowess, the ill fitted non-boots, and more noticeably, the tattoo on his left arm. He-Man’s got no ink. Also, he never passes a Swatch store without having to at least browse.

So be on the lookout for the He-Poster, friends. Maybe He-Man will one day put an end to this fake’s impolite rampage





STRIKE REPORT: He-Man’s Muscles May Be Giving In

26 08 2008

It was reported several weeks ago that He-Man’s muscles were on strike for more public respect. We’ve just gotten word that His muscles just might be ready to come out once again.

The talks were conducted at a local Pinkberry between He-Man’s lawyer and his left bicep, the leader of the muscle union. He-Man did not interfere and ate a medium three topping Pinkberry.

Like this, but with two more toppings.

Apparently his lawyer, Anderson Buckley, made a deal with the muscles. Here are the major points:

A) Every other day, (HE-MAN) will oil His abs and torso for at least three hours.

B) (HE-MAN) will cut down on opening soda bottles with His pecs to impress girls.

C) He-Man’s muscles will not longer be forced into constant groping by females without their written consent.

D) In lieu of this, His muscles will come out fully three days a week, and partially for four.

We caught He-Man on one of his “partial muscle” days last week:

Hopefully this works out for both parties. This strike showed America just how important His muscles are.





He-Man Carries Several Galaxies In Summer Bag

19 08 2008

He-Man was recently spotted by hunter “Clark” on Park Avenue and 18th street walking towards Union Square. He was carrying a light, casual bag that any normal person would throw in some clothes for the beach and call it a day.

Casual and soft.

However, He-Man was using it to carry several galaxies that He is currently holding onto for a friend.

“Yeah, these bags are surprisingly large on the inside,” He was heard raving to a friend. “The man at Target liked me, so he gave it to me at the discounted price, even though the sale ended yesterday.”

According to Clark, it seemed He-Man was carrying galaxies Neptracheous, ∞, and Drekton, along with a bottle of suntan lotion and a $5 Subway Footlong.

“It’s really made it a lot easier to carry along all my galaxies, and I usually just wrap each one in a towel so they don’t get scratched or nothin’,” He also was heard saying. “That way you can save space by keeping your galaxies safe and having a towel to dry off after taking a dip.”

He-Man’s muscles still appear to be on strike as well. Apparently they have expressed interest in talks but are being quite stubborn. More on that soon.

If YOU have any He-Man sightings, send them to FindHeMan@Gmail.com.





CHARITY ALERT: He-Man Takes Out Dying Girl For Frappuccino

15 07 2008

He-Man was spotted last weekend, but not alone. He was courting a young sick girl whose one wish for the “Make-a-Wish” Foundation was to share stories and coffee smoothies with He-Man.

Erin Lampert had been a huge fan of the website ever since it began, and once she came down with Amyotrophic Choreoacanthocytosis, a very rare disease where your organs switch places with one another, she knew what she had to do.

“If I ever had a chance to meet He-Man, this was it,” Erin said from her hospital bed, as the effects of Amyotrophic Choreoacanthocytosis were in their fourth and final stage. “The Make-a-Wish Foundation was a big help in tracking down He-Man, drugging him with qualudes and antifreeze, and getting Him to come to Starbucks with me for a…date!” She giggled at the thought of her and He-Man on a date, and then coughed for several minutes, as laughter makes the effects of Amyotrophic Choreoacanthocytosis much worse.

At first, He-Man was reluctant to go. He thought it would make Him appear soft and silky. But His public relations agent, Brady Abner, assured Him it was the right move.

Brady Abner during his vacation to the Cayman Islands.

The two had a wonderful time at Starbucks, He even posed for a photograph:

An extremely rare moment for an extremely rare disease.

After that, they moved onto Pinkberry and shared a large Pinkberry with pineapples and blackberries. “This is the happiest day of my life,” Erin told us in a telephone interview after the meeting. “He-Man and Pinkberry. What more could a girl want?”

A treat as sweet as He-Man.

He-Man liked Erin so much he traveled inside of her body and murdered all traces of Amyotrophic Choreoacanthocytosis. However, He managed to knuckle-punch her lungs in the process, giving her a crippling rare form of Carnitine-Acyl-Defiency.





BREAKING NEWS: He-Man’s Muscles Go On Strike

2 07 2008

A struggling He-Man was sighted on the northwest side of Tompkins Square Park the other day. He was wearing what we have all come to know as His “shirt”.

A past occurrence in which He sported the foreign cloth.

Shirtless, but still carrying a shirt.

THIS time He was seen wearing the shirt, but not of His choice. He was forced to because his upper body muscles went on strike.

Just left of center, keeping His guns confined until further notice.

No news has surfaced as to why the famous biceps are going dark, but many speculate that it has to do with His popularity, and not the muscle’s popularity. While this may seem ridiculous, it is true that the muscles make He-Man a household name. Perhaps this is a good move that can bring fairness to other parts of His body.

Although, His abs did not agree with the actions of his upper body.

“Everyone knows the muscles are the most important part of He-Man”, His enormous six pack said in a press statement. “We don’t need more money or our own blog, that’s just the way life is. We’re all working for Him. Personally, I feel lucky.”

No word has been said if the muscles will keep holding out or if they’re ready to talk.