BREAKING NEWS: Vatican Releases Statement on “Hemanism”

This statement was released by the Vatican at 12:55 pm on Thursday August 25, 2007.

I have come to learn it contains the concerns of the Church regarding the recent migration of Catholics to Hemanism, or the following of He-Man.

“It has come to the attention of the Roman Catholic Church and the Vatican Council that people in the city of New York have begun to question their faith. The attendance of church services, especially those in the borough of Manhattan, has dropped 32% from last year. Even charitable donations to churches and church run organizations, have fallen substantially. We urge people to return to their faith, to find healing in the love of the lord.

We also urge people to see through false prophets, to focus on the one true God. Do not forsake the first commandment, “I am the Lord your God, who brought you out of the land of Egypt, out of the house of slavery; you shall have no other gods before me.”

In past years, such an urging would not be necessary, but these are very different times. With the dawn of the new millennium came the stirring of old myths. People began to once again fall back on the Hihmaan version of the Bible. The Hihmaan version of the Holy Book contains a story that was condemned long ago as factually incorrect. We stand by this decision.

Lord be with you.”

This controversial statement, we believe, is only the beginning of the church’s He-Man paranoia. As His followers multiply day by day, it is only a matter of time before the world recognizes He-Man as an essential part in our existence.

For more information on the book of Hihmaan, read “Special Report: Ancient Texts Reveal He-Man’s Existence in the Bible”.